Using Communication to Strengthen Friendship
Healthy friendships are an important part of building confidence in youth. Youth especially benefit from friendships as these friendships help them to feel a sense of acceptance and value by people other than their families. Friendships benefit youth by boosting happiness and reducing stress and increasing self-confidence and self-worth, just to name a few. (Mayo Clinic, 2023) A study published in 2017 suggests that friendship bonds formed in adolescence play a large role in positive mental health well into adulthood. (Narr, R, et. al. 2017.) In fact, researches discovered that adults with strong emotional bonds to their friends in adolescence experience less anxiety and depression and more self-worth as an adult as compared to when they were a teenager.
To Have a Good Friend, Be a Good Friend
To truly benefit from close friendships youth first need to learn how to form healthy friendships. Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “…to have a good friend is to be one.” (Emerson, n.d.). Youth need to learn to distinguish between the qualities of a good friend and a not good friend. A good friend is trustworthy, honest, loyal, accepting, forgiving, compassionate, supportive, and much more. A not good friend talks behind their back, puts them down, uses them to get what they want, is not willing to compromise or forgive, and so on. Youth can attract good friends by being a good friend and exhibiting the qualities of a good friend.
Communication Helps Build Healthy Friendships
Communication is one of the most important parts of a good friendship. Real communication means that sometimes youth talk about things that make them feel uncomfortable. For example, when they have hurt feelings, feel angry or are maybe jealous. If they don’t talk about these feelings, they won’t go away, and they may get worse. Parents or other caring adults can guide a discussion on healthy communication with their youth by reviewing the suggestions below.
- Pay attention to how you feel. We can’t share with others if we don’t recognize what is going on within ourselves. When you have a problem with a friend, try to think about what you are feeling. Are you angry because your best friend didn’t go to the movies with you but went with someone else? Or could it be that you are really feeling hurt? Once you think you know how you feel, accept it. Don’t tell yourself that it’s bad to feel upset because it is perfectly normal for you to have these feelings and for your friends to feel that way, too.
- Don’t make assumptions. We aren’t mind readers. Maybe you see two girls whispering and giggling together; don’t assume it is about you. Perhaps your friend didn’t talk with you at school today, it doesn’t mean she is mad at you. Your friend can’t read your mind either, if you are excited to spend time with her, tell her!
- Use “I” messages. When you have figured out what it is that you are feeling, talking to your friend is a healthy way to deal with it. Don’t ignore it thinking it will go away. It may not and you may end up feeling worse. When we use “I” messages it sounds less like an accusation and helps our friends not get defensive or start a fight. Begin by saying “I got upset when . . . “or “I felt hurt when . . .” then add how the situation has made you feel. You may feel vulnerable, and it is scary, but when you take a risk, your friend will be able to be more sympathetic.
- Take responsibility. Think about your role in the situation. Could you have done something to add to the problem? There is a lot of power in apologizing, so own what you did and say it out loud.
- Find a solution to resolve the problem. Figure out a positive solution. Usually, it will be a compromise. Remember, friendships are about giving, too, not just getting.
It takes time to form good friendships. By exhibiting the qualities of good friends and learning how to communicate in a healthy way, youth can be well on their way to creating those bonds of friendship that will benefit them now and, in the years, to come.
References
- Emerson, R. W. (n.d.). Friendship. EmersonCentral.com. Retrieved March 2, 2023, from https://emersoncentral.com/texts/essays-first-series/friendship/
- Friendships: Enrich your life and improve your health. (2022, July 12). Mayo Clinic. Retrieved March 1, 2023, from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/friendships/
- Narr, R.K., Allen, J.P., Tan, J.S. and Loeb, E.L. (2019), Close friendship strength and broader peer group desirability as differential predictors of adult mental health. Child Dev, 90: 298-313. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.12905
Authors
Christina Pay, USU Extension Assistant Professor
Christina Pay
Extension Assistant Professor | Carbon County
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