How to Parent a Teenager with Patience and Love

By Josie Hatch, BS, Health & Wellness Coordinator & Ashley Yaugher, PhD, Health & Wellness Faculty 

Imagine the pressures of being a teen in today’s world. Between the academic stress of trying to keep up with schoolwork, the pressure to figure out future plans, balancing extracurricular activities with work schedules, navigating the increasingly complicated technology that is at your fingertips 24/7, and much more… Teens are facing a lot (AACAP, 2022). According to the American Psychological Association’s yearly stress report, teens report higher stress levels in their lives than adults (Bethune, 2014). It’s no wonder they need extra patience and love from their parents and guardians.

So how can we help our teens thrive in today’s world? The EveryDay Strong Program (Swenson, 2020) suggests using Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Theory (1948) as a guideline for creating an environment of patience and love for children while maintaining a stable and supportive relationship with them. Adults can establish an environment that helps their youth thrive by doing the following (UWUC, 2021):

1. Create Safety: Safety is not only a physical need but a critical emotional need as well. When youth feel emotionally safe, they are more comfortable being themselves and talking to you about the challenges they are facing (Adams et al., 1987). For example, we can create safety for our teens by actively listening to them; normalizing failure; accepting them for who they are; and allowing them to explore without condemning their choices.
2. Stay Connected: Humans have an innate need for emotional connection, not only for their mental health but for their physical health as well (Martino & Frates, 2017). Even when teens seem “prickly,” they still desire connection. When guardians make efforts to emotionally connect with their teen, it can help them feel understood. As parents, we can connect with our teens in many ways, including playing together or doing something your teen enjoys with them; asking questions about topics that interest them; laughing together; and apologizing or repairing rifts.
3. Instill Confidence: After creating safety and finding ways to connect with your teen, it is important to help your teen feel confident. Teen confidence is built in a supportive, rather than controlling environment (Swanson et al., 2011). For example, you can foster a healthy environment for developing confidence by reminding youth of when they have succeeded before; allowing them to practice life skills in a safe environment with your encouragement; and showing you trust their problem-solving skills by acknowledging their ideas and reinforcing healthy choices.

As we focus on meeting our teen's emotional needs for safety, connection, and confidence, we will be able to parent with more empathy and compassion. Remember that it takes time for parents to learn new skills too, so make sure you show yourself patience as you practice. Taken together, these tools and practices will help us show more patience and love to our teens and help us build stronger relationships with them.

Additional Resources:

• For more information on the EveryDay Strong program, visit: https://unitedwayuc.org/our-work/everyday-strong/
• For free research-based workshops from Utah State University Extension, visit Healthy Relationships Utah: https://extension.usu.edu/hru/

For more research-backed resources for parents/guardians and other relationships, visit Utah State University Extension’s Relationships website: https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/

References

Adams, G. R., Abraham, K. G., & Markstrom, C. A. (1987). The relations among identity development, self-consciousness, and self-focusing during middle and late adolescence. Developmental Psychology, 23(2), 292–297. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.23.2.292

American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry [AACAP]. (2022). Stress management and teens.  Retrieved November 17, 2022, from https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Helping-Teenagers-With-Stress-

Bethune, S. (2014). Teen stress rivals that of adults. Monitor on Psychology, 45(4), 20.

Maslow, A. H. (1948). “Higher” and “lower” needs. The journal of psychology, 25(2), 433-436. https://doi.org/10.1080/00223980.1948.9917386

Martino J, Pegg J, Frates EP. (2017). The connection prescription: Using the power of social interactions and the deep desire for connectedness to empower health and wellness. American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine. 2017;11(6):466-475. doi:10.1177/1559827615608788

Swanson, J., Valiente, C., Lemery-Chalfant, K., & Caitlin O’Brien, T. (2011). Predicting Early Adolescents’ Academic Achievement, Social Competence, and Physical Health From Parenting, Ego Resilience, and Engagement Coping. The Journal of Early Adolescence, 31(4), 548–576. https://doi-org.dist.lib.usu.edu/10.1177/0272431610366249

Swenson, M. United Way of Utah County. (December 11, 2020).  Dr. Matt Swenson: Why are kids experiencing so much anxiety and depression? (18 minute version) [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/CbYk_rEYcl0

United Way of Utah County [UWUC]. (2021).  Everyday Strong Resilience Handbook: A new approach to anxiety and depression. [pdf]. dl.airtable.com/.attachments/8ccc54b43e08a4944151e63b30bb7a90/11896407/UnitedWay_ResilienceHandbook_521.pdf