Power Plays: Unpacking Control, Autonomy, and Intimacy in Romantic Relationships
Power in relationships isn’t just about who makes the decisions — it’s about how partners influence each other, negotiate needs, and maintain emotional safety. This webinar draws from research on how couples experience and manage power, highlighting patterns that affect intimacy, conflict, and connection. We’ll explore how gender, personality, and relational roles shape power dynamics, and how these dynamics can either foster closeness or create distance. Whether you're a clinician or simply curious about improving your relationship, you'll leave with practical tools to recognize power patterns and promote healthier, more balanced partnerships.
Time Markers
00:00 – Welcome by Nyjah Phelps and introduction of Dr. Bonnie Young
01:08 – Understanding power and equality in romantic relationships
02:17 – Webinar overview: Why power matters, how it works, and how to share it
03:24 – Dr. Young's personal motivation for studying marital power dynamics
05:06 – Research findings: How power inequality affects relationship stability and mental health
06:15 – Benefits of equal power sharing: Trust, commitment, security, and authenticity
07:11 – Why defining power in relationships is more complicated than it seems
08:00 – Household responsibilities and the invisible mental load
09:21 – How gender expectations and financial resources influence relationship power
10:11 – Why power changes across circumstances and stages of life
13:02 – The principle of least interest: How commitment influences power
14:17 – Why labeling one partner as more powerful may be unproductive
15:14 – Defining power as the capacity to influence or resist influence
16:02 – Real-life examples of power imbalances from Dr. Young's research
16:22 – Example 1: Unequal freedom to express opinions and emotions
17:47 – Example 2: When one spouse's career takes priority over family needs
20:07 – Example 3: How threats of divorce create power imbalances
20:58 – Example 4: Unequal household, parenting, and financial responsibilities
21:59 – Example 5: How violations of privacy and boundaries affect marital power
23:46 – Dr. Young's personal example of accommodation and unequal influence
26:07 – Evaluating equality in communication, listening, and prioritizing needs
28:11 – Respecting different roles and recognizing unequal burdens
30:09 – The importance of mutual accommodation and adjustment
30:32 – Self-reflection exercise: Identifying areas of greater and lesser power
31:42 – Creating equality begins with awareness
33:50 – Distinguishing ordinary power imbalances from abuse and coercive control
34:49 – Power-sharing math: Moving from a “me versus you” to an “us” mentality
35:55 – Understanding the difference between “me” relationships and “we” relationships
37:02 – Research on household tasks, gender roles, personal empowerment, and equality
39:20 – Why relational processes are central to healthy power sharing
40:25 – Process 1: Mutual attunement — recognizing and caring about a partner's needs
42:06 – Process 2: Mutual vulnerability — practicing emotional honesty and self-reflection
43:59 – Process 3: Mutual influence — allowing both partners to shape decisions
45:45 – Process 4: Mutual responsibility — sharing the work of nurturing the relationship
47:47 – Key takeaways: Self-awareness, shared responsibility, and a “we” orientation
49:11 – Q&A: How can a less powerful spouse encourage change?
51:48 – Establishing respectful boundaries without escalating conflict
53:42 – How changing patterns of accommodation can improve a marriage
54:24 – Q&A: Recognizing coercion and abuse in romantic relationships
55:16 – Understanding financial abuse, social control, and other forms of coercion
58:13 – Q&A: Who should change first when couples have unequal relationship patterns?
59:28 – Why waiting for a spouse to change can prevent relationship growth
01:01:02 – Using awareness and vulnerability to change unhealthy dynamics
01:02:13 – How changing your own behavior can influence the relationship
01:03:45 – Final reflections on living according to personal values and creating healthier relationships
01:04:03 – Closing remarks and webinar evaluation reminder
About Dr. Bonnie Young:
Dr. Bonnie Young is a licensed marriage and family therapist, researcher, and published author whose work focuses on romantic relationships, marital power sharing, religion, and mental health.
Her research examines how couples negotiate influence, share responsibilities, and establish equality within their relationships. She is particularly interested in understanding how power dynamics affect marital satisfaction, emotional security, and the ability of both partners to express their needs and maintain their individuality.
Dr. Young has published academic articles and essays addressing relationships, religion, and mental health. She also operates an online mental health clinic serving individuals and couples experiencing marital distress, religious obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), sexual disorders, and other mental health concerns.
At the time of this webinar, Dr. Young was preparing to join the faculty of Brigham Young University's School of Family Life as an assistant professor.
Through her research and clinical practice, Dr. Young emphasizes the importance of mutual respect, shared influence, emotional vulnerability, and personal responsibility in creating healthy, lasting relationships.
Her work helps couples recognize that equality does not necessarily mean dividing every task or responsibility exactly in half. Instead, it involves creating a relationship in which both partners have a meaningful voice, both partners' needs matter, and both individuals contribute to the well-being of the marriage.
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