163: How Emotional Safety Transforms Your Marriage
Podcast Guest: Shane Birkel
Janurary 12th, 2026
Listen to the Show:
In this Episode
In this episode, licensed therapist Shane Birkel shares practical couples-therapy tools for emotional safety, better communication, and deeper connection—especially for “connection seekers” and “safety seekers.” You’ll learn how validation, consent in conversations, healthy timeouts, and “full respect living” help couples understand each other’s emotional reality, repair faster, and grow together.
“The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.”
Time Markers
00:04 Shane Birkel joins the show
00:58 Liz introduces Shane’s training
02:25 Relationships grow you—and impact world
04:22 Why six-hour intensives help
05:18 Connection seekers vs safety seekers
07:28 What emotional safety looks like
07:52 Create safety inside yourself
08:15 Receptivity: honor partner’s reality
11:12 Validation examples: curiosity, mirroring
13:09 Break this habit: no consent
13:18 Consent: ask what conversation is
15:50 Pause technique: healthy timeouts
16:40 “Watermelon” as timeout signal
19:11 Why RLT stands out
19:23 Speak truth with love
22:02 Couple transformation story
23:10 Inner child work creates insight
25:10 Reframe: partner isn’t the threat
28:13 Exercise: speaker/listener roles
28:25 Find it on Shane’s website
29:10 New therapist mistakes and fixes
30:12 Stay grounded; hold both realities
33:45 Getting more from therapy
34:20 Relational mindset vs control story
36:44 Relationship myth: partner controls feelings
40:10 Favorite question: “What do you want?”
40:47 “Full respect living” commitment
Insights
Shane's
Every person is inherently worthy—including you and your partner. A strong relationship comes from showing your partner they matter, while also valuing yourself enough to speak up about what you need, set healthy boundaries, and honestly say when something isn’t working—doing so is both respectful and authentic.
Liz’s
“Full respect living” is a commitment to do no harm—to your partner or to yourself. When we ease self-criticism and get off our own backs, we show up as kinder, more respectful partners.
Dave’s
Each partner brings a personal story shaped by past experiences. Understanding that story fosters empathy, compassion, and deeper connection beyond surface behaviors.
About Shane
Shane Birkel is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and works primarily with couples and emotionally avoidant men. Certified as a Relational Life Therapist, Shane developed his therapy practice and approach after working closely with his mentor, Dr. Terry Real.
Shane hosts a weekly podcast called the Couples Therapist Couch that is all about the practice of Couples Therapy. He is the creator of the Couples Therapist Inner Circle which is a membership site supporting therapists in their work with couples.
Shane is a Husband and father to three children. He enjoys coaching sports, hiking, biking, swimming, skiing, and all things outdoors in his native New England area. He also raises backyard chickens and loves his family’s two cats.
Shane's Resources
https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCuKXyF_Zzx0h8ZehLpoUQcg
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