121: Why Do We Argue So Much?
Podcast Guest: Laura Heck and Zach Brittle
February 24th, 2025
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In this Episode
In this episode of Stronger Marriage Connection, Dr. Liz Hale and Dr. Dave Schramm sit down with Laura Heck and Zach Brittle, co-hosts of Marriage Therapy Radio. Together, they break down why couples argue and how to navigate disagreements in a healthy way. Drawing from Dr. John Gottman’s research, they explore practical strategies to express needs, take responsibility, regulate emotions, and increase appreciation. Whether you're looking to stop recurring fights or strengthen your connection, this episode is packed with actionable insights to improve communication and create lasting harmony in your relationship.
“The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.”
Time Markers
00:04 - Welcome & Guest Introductions
Meet Laura Heck and Zach Brittle, relationship experts and co-hosts of Marriage Therapy Radio.
05:22 - The Value of Professional Partnerships
Laura and Zach share how their professional relationship helps model healthy communication.
09:31 - Disagreements: The Good & The Bad
How healthy conflict can strengthen relationships when managed properly.
12:50 - Miscommunication & Emotional Availability
Why we struggle to communicate and how to become more emotionally present.
16:03 - The Four Goals of Effective Communication
Key strategies to ensure conversations lead to resolution, not resentment.
17:07 - Goal #1: Expressing Needs Clearly
How to use gentle startups and I-statements for better conversations.
19:48 - Goal #2: Taking Responsibility
Why owning even a small part of the problem can defuse tension.
22:56 - Goal #3: Managing Physiology
Recognizing stress responses and using breaks to prevent emotional flooding.
24:47 - Goal #4: Increasing Appreciation
How gratitude strengthens relationships and prevents unnecessary conflict.
29:35 - Real-Life Relationship Challenges
A common marital conflict scenario and how to handle it better.
34:51 - Practical Tips for Stronger Communication
Creating rituals, setting meeting times, and running your marriage like a business.
36:52 - The Key to a Stronger Marriage Connection
Laura and Zach’s final advice on what truly makes relationships thrive.
40:03 - Where to Find More Resources
Links to Marriage Therapy Radio, books, and more.
45:19 - Closing Thoughts & Takeaways
Final insights from Liz and Dave on improving relationship communication.
Insights
Laura’s
This idea of gratitude, of it being a practice is just trying to figure out how you can actually remind yourself. So, you know, I was working with a bunch of engineers at Google, and I said, why wouldn't you just, like, set an alarm on your phone and within probably 30 seconds, I had lost all of their attention, and they just, like, they're staring at their phones, I think I said it, you know, like at 1:23pm, in the afternoon, I want an alarm to go off, and it's just going to be some sort of either gratitude practice, texture partner, how much you appreciate them, whatever it might be. And I just think that that's such a great, easy way for you to do Zach, like what you were talking about is just having gratitude and, you know, starting an individual practice. But it is. It has to be a reminder of a way to do it.
Zach’s
I'm in a little bit of a spot because Laura and I are transitioning marriage therapy radio. She's working. She's gonna ride off into the sunset and do a thing. So, I'm just kind of sad. I enjoy talking to you and talking with you to other people, and we're going to be doing that less. And so right now, I'm aware that I'm sad about that. I get to have really cool conversation with really cool people, often, including Laura, and this is, it's a little bit of a sunset time.
Liz’z
I kind of use the topic because sometimes my husband might have enough bandwidth for that small topic, and sometimes not, right? So, I think it depends a little bit on what the issue is? This a good time for me to talk about changing up the bed, getting a new bed, for instance, that's on my mind. And then it can decide, like, oh gosh. Liz, no. But I think after I eat, or after maybe tonight, let's go to dinner, and then let's talk about a bed, or let's start looking for one. So, I love that reminder. I think that's great.
Dave’s
I think taking responsibility, I think it's just huge. It's just, it's me. It's not me in a selfish sense, but it's me first. I call it, search inward, then turn outward. And it's, it's more of a okay, I need to get my own heart right, right, whether that's compassion, that's patience, being able to see, seeking for understanding, maybe not even agreement. So it's all kind of starts with, okay, maybe I'm getting huffy right now, and I need, I need to take a break, but it's, it is, man, that personal responsibility? Yeah, I think that's super important.
About Laura:
Laura Heck is a licensed marriage and family therapist and Certified Gottman Therapist. She is a relationship specialist, meaning she doesn't work with teenagers, doesn't treat eating disorders, and doesn't heal past life trauma. Nope...Laura is solely focused on helping couples. That's it.
Better yet, if you are a busy professional couple with children at home that struggle with conflict and intimacy, you are exactly who Laura loves to help.
Laura is co-host of Marriage Therapy Radio, hosts The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work workshop for couples, coaches women through the Epic Wives Experiment, speaks and trains for The Gottman Institute and is a regular media expert on the topic of intimate relationships.
Laura can often be found running through the wilderness with her pup, cooking up something fierce and golfing poorly. Laura has been with her beloved and patient husband for 16 years and they have a seven -year-old son together.
About Zach:
I have been teaching, coaching, mentoring and counseling couples for nearly 20 years. I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) in Washington and a Certified Gottman Therapist (CGT) specializing in evidence-based couples therapy based on over 40 years of marital research.
I am the founder and co-host of Marriage Therapy Radio, creator of Your Marriage Masterclass, and the author of the best-selling relationship guide The Relationship Alphabet and the Marriage Therapy Journal. My writings and insights have also been featured on the Gottman Relationship Blog, Vanity Fair, Men’s Health Magazine, Real Simple Magazine, The New York Times and the Washington Post.
Finally, I have been happily married to Rebecca for 21 of 23 years – years #8 and 18 were both pretty rough. We live in Seattle with our two daughters (14 & 18). We own a mini-van and most of the silverware we got as wedding presents.
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