119: Establishing Household Roles: Tips for Couples
Podcast Guest: Julie Hanks
February 10th, 2025
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In this Episode
In this episode of Stronger Marriage Connection, hosts Dr. Liz Hale and Dr. Dave Schramm sit down with Dr. Julie Hanks, a licensed therapist specializing in marriage and family therapy. They discuss the challenges couples face when dividing household labor and how to create a fair and equitable partnership. Dr. Hanks introduces the concept of a partnership model of family organization, emphasizing the importance of communication, shared responsibility, and recognizing invisible work. Listeners will learn how to navigate traditional gender roles, reduce resentment, and establish healthy household dynamics to strengthen their relationships.
“The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.”
Time Markers
00:04 – Introduction
Dr. Hanks' background in family therapy and women's mental health.
01:46 – Who Brings Up Household Chores More?
Women are more likely to initiate discussions about equitable household division.
03:47 – The Partnership Model of Family Organization
Moving away from a hierarchical model (man → woman → children) to an equal partnership.
05:36 – The Mental Load: Why Women Feel Overwhelmed
Men often focus on execution (doing a chore), while women manage planning & organization.
07:03 – Setting Expectations from the Start
Newlyweds should openly discuss who does what and why.
09:43 – Understanding Household Expectations
Reflect on how chores were divided in childhood and discuss personal expectations with a partner.
11:28 – Why "Helping" Isn’t the Right Language
Avoid saying, “What can I do to help?” Instead, ask, “What can I contribute?”
13:58 – Addressing Resentment and Overwork
Couples should renegotiate responsibilities as life circumstances change.
16:55 – What If One Partner Fails to Follow Through?
Consistently not keeping up with agreed-upon tasks can indicate larger relationship issues (trust & reliability).
20:00 – Defining a Clean Space Together
Partners should agree on a reasonable standard of cleanliness to prevent misunderstandings.
24:50 – The Power of Gratitude
Dr. Hanks shares her "Ooh, Ah" strategy for actively acknowledging each other’s efforts.
26:30 – Stronger Marriage Key Tip
“What are your expectations for today?” – A simple but effective daily question to improve communication and prevent resentment.
28:22 – Final Takeaways
Partnership, not hierarchy, creates a more fulfilling relationship.
Insights
Julie's
Unpaid work is work, and it's just as important as paid work, and so value the work that you do that's unpaid, and value the work that your partner does that's unpaid. I just think that division has created a lot of problems in families. So, recognize and value unpaid work.
Liz’s
I think you know how to do the division without creating division, right, without creating more division. And so, I love that I hadn't really thought of unpaid labor and paid work, unpaid work. And paid work, I think, is maybe how you say it, and then coming home, and once the paid worker comes home, then how do we divide work from there? I had never thought of it that way. It's beautiful. It's kind of when that second part of the day begins.
Dave's
I think that in addition to unpaid work and paid work, you brought up that kind of invisible or that worrying work, right? That, I think that it needs to be. Hey, thanks so much for planning this out. Or, you know, around the holiday season, my wife, she loves, you know, she takes over, but she loves it, then, you know, buying the presents for the kids, and she's just loves that, but there's a lot of actually mental planning and searching and on Amazon for, I mean, hours and deals. And she loves to get a deal, so I need to be more grateful, I think, as her husband.
About Julie:
Julie de Azevedo Hanks holds a PhD in marriage and family therapy and is a licensed therapist specializing in the intersection of faith, family relationships, and women's mental health for 3 decades. She is the owner of Wasatch Family Therapy, author of The Assertiveness Guide for Women, host of Ask Dr. Julie Hanks podcast, adjunct faculty in the MSW program at Utah Valley University, and an online content creator.
Julie's Resources
Website: DrJulieHanks.com
Social Media: @DrJulieHanks
Books & Resources: The Assertiveness Guide for Women & Fair Play by Eve Rodsky
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