105: The lost Art of Listening and Emotional Regulation

Podcast Guest: Heather Holmgren

November 4th, 2024

105: Heather Holmgren

Listen to the Show:

In this Episode

In this episode of Stronger Marriage Connection, hosts Dr. Dave Schramm and Dr. Liz Hale sit down with Heather Holmgren, a marriage and family therapist and founder of Simple Modern Therapy. Heather shares insights on emotional regulation, the essential skill of deep listening, and how to approach conflict with curiosity rather than reactivity. She explains the importance of self-awareness, emotional control, and co-regulation to help couples navigate difficult conversations. Heather provides actionable advice for slowing down during conflicts, truly hearing your partner, and fostering a healthy, supportive relationship. Tune in to discover practical tips to strengthen communication and deepen your connection.

“The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.”

Time Markers

00:00 – Introduction to Heather Holmgren

02:15 – Heather’s journey to Simple Modern Therapy

04:01 – Changes in relationship dynamics

07:09 – Importance of mental hygiene

10:54 – Tackling the inner critic

12:38 – Why listening matters in relationships

15:30 – Physiology of conflict and triggers

18:29 – Emotional regulation and CO regulation

21:36 – Breaking unhealthy patterns

24:02 – Seeking deeper understanding in conflict

29:24 – Conflict example and resolution

33:08 – Heather’s therapy team and specialties

34:13 – Key to a stronger marriage connection

35:36 – Takeaway: Power of the pause

Insights

Heather's

The more aware you are of where you are emotionally, what kind of outside stressors are impacting your mental health and mood can really be a big factor in how you're showing up in your relationships. So take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. It's not selfish, it is self care, and that helps us be much more effective in our relationships. And you know, secondarily, I feel like I have to say that listening is an art, and if we think we're good at communicating, we have to ask ourselves, how good am I at really listening to understand at relationally attuning.

Liz’s

Just thinking about speaking of being generous and kind. I think listening is one of the more generous and kindest things that we can do.

Dave's

I think it's when you're talking about the pause. I just think that there's a power in the pause. The power in the pause to be able to not react, to be able to gives us at least a chance, pause, take a breath, allow our hearts, our minds, our brains, to be able to okay, I'm going to reflect and respond instead of react right now.

About Heather Holmgren:

Heather Holmgren, LMFT and founder of Simple Modern Therapy, has committed her 20-year career to understanding what makes a modern relationship thrive.Through it all she has found this much to be true: if you aren't happy with yourself, your intimate and professional relationships are likely to fail. She has built a flourishing career and flourishing practice helping contemporary individuals, relationships and families learn to love each other, “Love Yourself and Love Your Life".

She is one of eight incredible therapists providing support to individuals and relationships in downtown Salt Lake City (and Utah, virtually). All Simple Modern therapists have additional training and expertise in relationship work, as well as providing affirming care to LGBTQIA+ relationships.

Heather is passionate about professional mentorship and has supervised clinicians for the last ten years. She is a strong advocate for the practice of good mental hygiene, and can be found speaking on this topic, as well as relationship related issues on Good Things Utah, at Edison House and for corporations across the state. You can also find Heather, with her colleague Andrès Brown, providing training, support and consultation to the larger therapeutic community, expanding the reach of skilled and affirming inclusive relationship therapy.

Heather Holmgren's Resources:

www.simplemodern.org

IG: @simplemoderntherapy

FB: @simplemoderntherapy

LinkedIn: @simplemoderntherapy

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Dr. Dave Schramm: