076: How To Get What You Want In Your Relationship

Podcast Guest: Monica Tanner
076: How To Get What You Want In Your Relationship

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In this Episode

In this podcast Monica Tanner joins will talk about getting what you want in your relationship. She’ll tackle how to manage strong emotions, moving from complaints to requests, and the importance of compassionate curiosity. She will also share a four-step framework for getting what you want in your relationship. Her mission is to lower the divorce rate and improve marital satisfaction through her engaging podcast vibrant social media, community, and practical programs.  


0:00 – Introduction to the podcast 
1:51— Who is Monica Tanner 
4:28— One of the biggest challenges of couples that come to see Monica  
6:21—Hope and healthier dynamics 
8:49— We’re really good at seeing what we don’t like  
10:27—Four-step framework- First step: Remember who you’re talking to 
11:52— Step two: Dare to rock the boat/Get your spouse’s attention 
13:06—Step three: Now to make a loving request 
15:24— Step Four: Make it worth their while  
18:08— Why do we make love so hard? 
22:15—Strong emotions- One scenario we think that we're helping them but really, we're trying to make ourselves more comfortable 
23:27— Second scenario- their negative emotions are directed towards you 
26:45—It’s not just in our marriage  
28:20— They’re in pain 
29:11—Information and resources on Monica Tanner 
32:00— Monica’s takeaway  
33:37— Liz’s takeaway 
34:18— Dave’s takeaway 


Insights and Invites



You know, there's a lot of things that you can't control in this life, but you can always control your experience inside of your circumstances. I find it to be a law of connection kind of like, matter is governed by the laws of gravity, you don't have to know that if I throw this pen up in the air, it's gonna come down. But if I do know it, it makes life a lot more predictable, it's easier to know what's going to happen, right. And so if you understand that you have full control over the experience you're having in any given circumstance, you become way more powerful, empowered, probably as the right word, you become way more empowered, to fight for the things that you want in this life, when you understand that you may not be able to, to control all the circumstances, but you can control your experience.  


I love the idea of this compassionate curiosity. I've never heard it quite put like, but getting compassionately curious about that, not in a you know, I'm holier than thou and I'm not going to jump into this because I'm not that type of a person, but genuinely compassionate, getting curious, really wanting to understand them and to hear that to hear what they need. Rather than reacting to their emotions you have very powerful. 


I think that is so interesting the idea of asking for what we want or what we need, it's really quite a compliment to our partner that I want to have. I want us to have it all right, I don't want to settle for me mediocrity. I really want to climb for that and reach for that top echelon of happy marriage.  

About Monica Tanner:

Monica Tanner, Relationship Coach and host of the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast, transforms marriages with simple communication, connection, conflict resolution and commitment strategies. Her mission is to lower the divorce rate and improve marital satisfaction. Through her engaging podcast, vibrant social media community, and practical programs, Monica's expert guidance has impacted thousands of couples, by helping them ditch resentment and roommate syndrome and get back to living their happily ever after love story. 

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