071: Gray Divorce

Podcast Guest: Lori Schade

Listen to the Show:

In this Episode

Lori joins Dr. Dave Schramm and Dr. Liz Hale to discuss the common issues that result in a mid-life or “gray” divorce.

0:00 – Introduction: Who is Lori Schade?
3:00 – Decision for divorce
5:04 – Pursuer Burnout
6:36 – Emotionally Focused Therapy
8:56 – Constraint commitment
10:15 – It’s never too late
14:48 – Connection check in
16:34 – Affairs
19:41 – Seeking therapy
22:51 – What is the key to a stronger marriage connection?
24:30 – Lori’s Resources
25:19 – Takeaways

Insights and Invites

Insights

“There's always hope. I have a very easy time being hopeful for married couples, sometimes I have to say, ‘borrow my hope.’ I actually got that from Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen. And I think it's so lovely. And a lot of times small changes bring about really large changes in dynamics in marriage.” - Lori Schade

“There are two kinds of commitment. One is personal commitment, where you feel free to exercise where you want to put your loyalty. The term is kind of like restraint. It's actually called constraint commitment, and constraint commitment are all of those variables that keep people feeling stuck. It might be religious beliefs, it might be children in the home, it might be financial constraints, but there are those things where people might divorce but they stay there because they feel these barriers to divorce? And so sometimes at midlife, those are removed. And so I think it's quite possible that that's also why we might see a resurgence of divorce and at that time.” -Lori Schade

Invites

Find time in your week to have a connection check-in with your partner by asking these three questions.
- How connected are we from last time we checked? More or less or the same?
- What's been happening in our lives that may have impacted the level of connection?
  - What is one small thing that would help me feel more connected?
Reach out to a therapist to learn more about Emotionally Focused Therapy to see if it could potentially strengthen your relationship with your partner.

About Lori Schade:

Lori Schade is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and AAMFT approved therapy supervisor running a therapy practice in Pleasant Grove Utah called Compassionate Connections Counseling. She specializes in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and supervises therapists towards certification in the model. She has been an adjunct faculty member in the Marriage and Family Therapy Department at Brigham Young University as well as Utah Valley University. For over three decades she has practiced therapy alternately with raising seven children and has published several peer reviewed materials related to her profession. In her spare time she enjoys running, traveling, tandem bike riding with her husband, knitting and playing the organ. She is convinced the grandchildren are one of life's best kept secrets.

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