031: Relationship Resilience After Betrayal Trauma

Podcast Guest: Dr. Geoff Steurer

031: Relationship Resilience

Listen to the Show:

In this Episode

Listen in as Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz invite back to the show Geoff Steurer, specialist on betrayal trauma, to talk about how couples can bounce back and move forward after trust is
broken in the relationship. If you or someone you know is experiencing betrayal trauma, this is an episode you don’t want to miss!

0:00 – Introduction: Who is Dr. Geoff Steurer?
3:00 – What is betrayal trauma?
5:35 – Most people initially stay with their partner after being betrayed
7:49 – Quick trust does not exist, you can’t quickly trust somebody
9:56 – Both the hurt partner and the betrayer are on their own paths of recovery
11:26 – The marriage goes through a recovery process too
13:55 – Tearing yourself down does not help you & it doesn’t help who you’ve hurt
15:58 – Recovery means being willing to talk about the betrayal
17:00 – People can change; there is healing on the other side of betrayal trauma
20:15 – Coming clean versus being found out - how it affects the recovery process
22:13 – There are no quick fixes when it comes to betrayal & emotion & connection
24:50 – Engage in healing; you'll feel better eventually doing the healing work
26:48 – What is the role of parents whose adult child is experiencing betrayal trauma?
29:19 – A message to those who are on the edge of betraying their partner
31:06 – Let’s not be afraid to talk about attraction and chemistry
33:16 – Make sure there's not enough space between you and your partner for someone else
36:21 – Geoff’s takeaway: there's nothing, in terms of your emotions and experiences and feelings and needs, that your marriage can't handle
37:09 – Liz’s takeaway: People have the tools, talents, resources, and abilities to handle something as excruciatingly painful as betrayal
37:39 – Dave’s takeaway: Be very mindful and intentional in your relationship

About Geoff Steurer

Geoff Steurer has a passionate commitment to helping couples rebuild their relationships from crisis to connection. He specializes in helping couples and individuals
affected by the trauma of sexual betrayal. He understands how exhilarating and stressful marriage can be and works hard at his own marriage. His goal is to show couples how his
work will pay off in their own lives. Steurer specializes in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, treating pornography and sexual addictions, infidelity, men's issues, anxiety, depression, anger management, and family therapy. He is the co-author of "Love You, Hate the Porn", creator of the "Trust Building Bootcamp", host of the podcast, "From Crisis to Connection", and author of a weekly online Q&A column.

Geoff Steurer Links:

Insights and Invites


Dave: When both partners are committed to doing the work, it brings hope into the relationship
Liz: Good people make mistakes, good people betray
Geoff: The structure and institution of marriage is sturdy and stable and it’s big enough to hold all of our fears, worries, insecurities, temptations and struggles


● If you find yourself flirting or looking forward to interacting with someone of the opposite sex, get honest with yourself and your partner about it. Don’t be afraid to talk
about attraction.
● Keep it a little awkward with people you could be attracted to. Keep that distance there and don’t build so much familiarity.
● If someone you love is going through betrayal trauma, get educated and understand the process. Learn how to keep your own emotional balance and know what to say/what not to say. “You don't want to become a piece of debris in somebody else's tornado”.

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