How to Strengthen Your Relationship During Conflict
Slamming doors, yelling matches, irrepressible anger, long night drives. Sound familiar? Many people, at some point in their lives, have experienced this form of hostile conflict, referred to by research community as destructive because of its negative implications on relationship quality.
Conflict is inevitable. There is no escaping disagreements, especially in close relationships. Even those picture-perfect couples we sometimes admire have disagreements. The biggest misconception, however, is that conflict is always a bad thing, which simply is not true. It’s not conflict itself that has negative implications on relational outcomes, but rather how conflict is handled.
When conflict is managed in positive, healthy ways, it can strengthen relationships and bring people closer together. Such conflict is known as constructive. Researchers agree that when couples practice using constructive conflict, not only may it prevent the negative outcomes of conflict, but positive outcomes can result as well.
Destructive Conflict Management Behaviors
Relationship breakdown (weather through a breakup or divorce) usually goes hand in hand with couple engagement in destructive conflict management strategies. Destructive conflict patterns can take on many forms:
- Physical violence
- Emotional/mental abuse
- Withdrawal/neglect
- Yelling
- Not respecting a spouse’s opinion
- Repeatedly discussing the same issues
- Intense hostility that may cross the line into abuse
- Giving in or no longer caring; withdrawal
Many of the above-mentioned behaviors are closely linked with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse identified by researcher Dr. John Gottman: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These behaviors separate couples who are in satisfying versus unsatisfying marriages (respectively referred to by Dr. Gottman as “Masters” vs. “Disasters” couples). In fact, chronic engagement in the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse nearly guarantees that a couple will dissolve their union. Unless, of course, they can learn to treat each other better and manage their disagreements in healthier ways.
Readers may find it surprising that withdrawing from conflict is considered a destructive strategy. Some may even say, “well, I don’t want to be mean, so what’s the harm in withdrawing?” Research on withdrawal strategies is new, but some evidence suggests that couples who fail to engage in conflict may be on the way out of the relationship. They may have little hope about their relationship being repaired, or they may think that there is no point in engaging in yet another argument that leads nowhere.
Withdrawal could also be viewed as a way to put interpersonal differences on hold, which is an ineffective strategy to finding a solution to the problem. In reality, shoving an issue “under the rug” doesn’t make it go away, and it’s only a matter of time until the problem resurfaces again.
Considering all these scenarios, withdrawing is akin to what Dr. Gottman calls stonewalling: shutting down rather than engaging with a problem OR a partner. When partners stonewall, they may be mentally and emotionally giving up on their relationship while secretly hoping for something to occur that would give them a green light to leave.
Constructive Conflict Management Behaviors
One of the many contributing factors of successful relationships is the use of constructive conflict management strategies. Constructive conflict patterns can also take on many forms, including:
- Respecting the other person despite disagreement
- Treating the situation with humor (but not to the point of insensitive sarcasm)
- Showing affection
- Being willing to compromise
- Progressing towards a resolution
These are just some examples of constructive conflict resolution strategies that any individual can start practicing today. Constructive conflict is a skill that can be learned, and it begins with personal awareness and sincere desire to change in order to improve marriage or any other relationship.
Engaging in constructive conflict allows people to move in the direction of finding a solution that benefits the relationship, as opposed to winning an argument (when both partners feel disconnected and defeated, does anyone really “win”?). Furthermore, constructive conflict is an opportunity for partners and spouses to get closer to each other.
Although it may be beneficial to start with looking inward and recognizing where you yourself may improve, it is important that both individuals in the relationship engage in constructive conflict management behaviors. One person’s efforts alone likely cannot save the relationship. In fact, contrary to a famous adage, a successful relationship is not 50/50, it is 100/100. To make relationships work, each person should give their 100% commitment and effort.
Resources
If you are interested in learning more about constructive conflict, there are many intervention programs that may be free of charge to the public (see Healthy Relationships Utah). Some intervention programs focus on conflict management, while others emphasize other relational factors, such as communication. Either way, by participating in such programs, couples are likely to increase awareness of their behaviors.
Additionally, if you are looking for a good read on this concept, check out the Gottman-endorsed book You Can Turn Conflict Into Closeness: 7 Communication Skills of Successful Marriages by Emil Harker. You can also listen to Emil’s tips discussed in the book on the Utah Marriage Commission Podcast (select episode #022).
Tackle the Conflict
Whether you are a couple just dating, engaged, newlywed, or married with children, conflict will occur. If you want your relationship to succeed, you need to be aware of the outcomes of your actions. Only in responding constructively and working on resolution strategies will you be able to support your spouse and family through all the whirlwinds of life. Choose to engage in constructive conflict resolution strategies as you work to build stronger families, stronger relationships, and a stronger marriage connection.