How to Date When You’re Married 

We recently talked about how sometimes after the honeymoon, and the kids, and the house, and the career come along, our spouse ends up at the bottom of our to-do list. Even we have said to each other, “I’ll kiss you when I finish…” or, “A date is not in the cards this week.” We’ve also said to each other, “I really need a date.” 

Sometimes that means it's been a long week, and we need a break. Sometimes it means we feel disconnected. Sometimes it means we need to play, or relax, or feel sexy, or just get out. In marriage, couples develop a routine. Having a routine is important, but if things become too routine, romantic partners can become mundane roommates. 

Dating reminds us that we come first. Not me. Not him/her. Us. Work, infertility treatments, bills, errands, volunteer work, and extended family are a few pieces of our crazy lives. But it isn’t really about any of that. We come first, and dating helps us keep that perspective. It keeps us unified and gives us the energy we need to keep up with other demands. It helps us both accomplish our to-do lists, and reminds us who should be at the top of it.  

Here are a few ways that you and your spouse can prioritize your relationship and make connecting through dates a part of your marriage culture: 

Incorporate Variety 

Including variety in your dates can positively impact your relationship satisfaction. But it’s not always easy to come up with fresh new things to do together. Let dates reflect either the climate of your relationship, or the needs of you and your spouse. For example, if the climate of your relationship has recently been playful, you might go to an arcade, out dancing, or to a sporting event you both enjoy. Or, if you and your partner have had a particularly difficult week, you might get couples massages, or stay home, order takeout, and watch a movie or play games.  

Your dating experience needs to be tailored to your relationship, and only you and your partner can decide what that looks like. Dates can be simple, fancy, long, short, playful, romantic, active, relaxing, cathartic, sexy or a combination of things. You choose—but don’t hesitate to switch it up. 

Balance Planning and Spontaneity 

Planned dates and spontaneous dates have different purposes, require different levels of commitment, and can both benefit your marriage relationship. 

A spontaneous date could look something like this: “On the way home from grocery shopping, why don’t we stop and grab ice cream?” The commitment level is lower, but it also shows that you are thinking of your significant other and that you care enough to buy them that ice cream cone.   

A planned date might be something like, “I got a reservation to our favorite restaurant and then afterwards we are going to see that play we have wanted to see for so long.” These kinds of dates require a higher level of commitment because you are prioritizing in advance and thinking more in an “us” mindset. Both are needed and essential to having a successful dating life in marriage.   

Accommodate for Different Interests 

Part of keeping your dating life fresh and fulfilling is embracing each other’s individuality. While it’s wonderful to share common hobbies, it’s also a beautiful act of love to step into your partner’s world from time to time—even if it’s not your usual scene. Think of it less as a sacrifice and more as a way to connect through curiosity, generosity, and joy. 

Maybe your partner loves live theater, and you’re more of a sports fan. Maybe they love sushi, and you’re a burger person. A healthy dating life includes a bit of give-and-take, where each person feels seen, valued, and celebrated. When you take genuine interest in something your spouse enjoys, you’re not just saying “I’ll go with you”—you’re saying, “You matter to me.” 

You might be surprised by how fun it can be to try something new together—or how much it means to your partner that you showed up with an open mind and a good attitude. Great relationships aren’t built on always doing the same things, but on learning to enjoy each other’s joy. 

Conclusion  

At the end of the day, dating in marriage isn’t about doing something extravagant or checking off another box on the calendar. It’s about staying connected. It’s about saying, “I love you,” with both small, spontaneous moments and bigger, intentional plans. 

Whether it’s a quiet night in or a night on the town, what matters most is that you’re making time for us. You’re choosing to show up for each other—not just as parents, professionals, or roommates—but as partners who are still curious, playful, and in love. 

The kind of marriage you want doesn’t happen by accident. But the good news is, you don’t have to wait for the perfect time or perfect plan. You just have to start. One date at a time. 

Aubrey-Dawn and Richard Palmer were the primary authors of this blog.