Creating Safety in Your Relationship 

One of the main things that attracted me to my husband when we first started dating was that I felt so safe around him. Not only was he incredibly respectful and sweet in a way that helped me feel physically safe, he also did things that helped me feel safe to share my whole self with him — my thoughts, my weaknesses, my worries, my love, my everything. This has been a crucial piece in the health of our relationship over the years and research supports the importance of creating safety in our relationships in order for them to thrive and last. 

Here are three critical types of relationship safety and how you can foster them in your relationships: 

Physical Safety 

The most basic form of safety that is important for healthy and happy relationships is physical safety. While this type of safety requires an absence of physical abuse, there is more to building a physically safe relationship than that alone. Real relationship satisfaction is developed when a couple actively works to show love to one another, not just when they don’t hit each other. 

Ways to build physical safety:  

• Engage in positive touch (both sexual and non-sexual): Find ways that you can show your partner you love them through all kinds of touch – give hugs, hold hands, touch knees, share kisses, make love, etc. Tailor these forms of touch to your unique needs and desires as a couple.   

• Create a physical sanctuary: Increase the physical safety in your relationship by making your home a place where both of you can feel safe and at peace. Clean together, decorate together, make the space yours.  

Emotional Safety  

Emotional safety is just as crucial in a healthy and happy relationship as physical safety. Partners can act as a safe space for each other to share feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and vulnerabilities. The strongest relationships are those where partners feel safe bringing their whole self to the table – the good and the bad – and can trust that that whole self will be respected and validated, even when their partner disagrees. 

Ways to build emotional safety:  

• Respond positively to emotional bids: “Bids” are a call for connection in your relationship (you can read more about them here). Relationships thrive when both partners are frequently seeking out ways to connect with each other and are responding positively to each other’s bids for connection.  

• Keep confidences: Part of creating emotional safety in your relationship involves sharing parts of yourself that you might not be so proud of. When your partner shares something sensitive with you, don’t go telling the rest of the world (or even just your mom!). If it is something you need to share in order to get help, talk with your partner about who they are comfortable sharing the information with. This will do wonders for building trust and safety in your relationship. 

• Practice sharing your emotions: Be intentional about being vulnerable and sharing how you feel with your partner. Especially with difficult or uncomfortable feelings. Consider writing them out first to help yourself identify and process what you are feeling before you approach your partner. 

Commitment Safety   

Commitment safety is all about knowing that your partner will fight for your relationship, and that they are committed to making things work. When we believe that a relationship is going to last, we are far more likely to be willing to invest time and attention into that relationship. A relationship with strong commitment safety is more likely to last because partners trust in their love for each other and are not afraid that their significant other will bail out at the first sign of trouble.   

Ways to build commitment safety:  

• Dream together: Dreaming about your future together is a great way to work towards actually having a future together! When you dream and set goals together as a couple it deepens your commitment to each other and to your relationship.   

• Build a joint life: Research has shown that he longer a couple is committed, the more likely partners are to tie their lives together in tangible ways. This can look like buying a home together, having a joint bank account, building mutual friendships, having children together, etc. Be intentional about these decisions that help you build a joint life, and recognize that the more you have tying you together, the less likely you are to leave the relationship when you encounter disagreements or difficulty (things that come to every relationship).  

• Continue investing in your relationship: Commitment and love are both built and maintained over time. The more effort you continuously put into your relationship, the stronger it will grow, and the more likely you are to stay committed to your partner. Remember that commitment fosters love, not the other way around — the more your actions reflect commitment to your partner and to the relationship, the deeper your love and commitment will actually become.   

Conclusion 

Working to increase each of these aspects of safety will strengthen your relationship with your significant other in critical ways. As you seek to become a safe place for your partner physically, emotionally, and for the long-run, your connection with each other will deepen, and you will be making an important investment in the health and longevity of your relationship.   

Rian Gordon was the primary author of this blog.