After the Fight: Four Perspectives and Skills for Rebuilding Emotional Intimacy
“Hey, what are you going to eat for breakfast?”
“Nothing, because every dish in the house is dirty! Thanks for that.”
“Sorry, I forgot. I’ll do the dishes when I get home. I thought about it this morning, I just didn’t have time.”
“Oh, come on. It’s the one thing I ask you to do besides take out the trash.” “Yeah, whatever.”
Conflict within romantic relationships is absolutely normal, and can even be productive. It's an important part of learning to navigate different communication styles as well as practicing expressing and meeting each other’s needs. However, while a certain level of conflict is to be expected, mismanaged conflicts within your relationship could be tearing it apart. It’s important to recognize when the fights you’re having with your spouse or significant other may be more deep-rooted and dangerous. Take the last argument you’ve had, for example. Is this the first time you’ve argued about it, or have you had issues with something like this before? Is it always the same person bringing it up every time?
In another blog, we discussed perspectives and skills that couples can use to slow down or end these types of escalating miscommunications. Now, we would like to share a few ways that partners can use these moments of intentional de-escalation to forge a better connection with each other.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson teaches that emotional security—built from having our emotional needs met, and knowing that our partner is there when we need them—is as necessary to human beings’ survival as air or water. Dr. Johnson explains that our “raw spots” or emotional triggers from past experiences can generate a fight-or-flight reaction during conflicts that don’t always make sense to our partner, and often drive us even further from each other. Because of this, rebuilding intimacy after these conflicts is key to creating and maintaining a safe and reliable relationship with your loved one.
So, how can we rebuild emotional intimacy with our partner once the tension has died down? The first step is to have a conversation to make sure you’re on the same page. Share your concerns (“We seem to be fighting a lot” or “I want to feel closer to you”), but keep these thoughts general; there will be time to get into more detail later. Most importantly, express your commitment to the relationship and to your partner and ask how he or she feels about what you just shared. Give them time to express their thoughts without showing judgment, just as you might hope to be treated yourself.
Then, try these strategies:
- Maintain a positive outlook. Remember: you and your partner are really on the same team. Disagreements are to be expected, and not every disagreement has to be considered a fight. Any amount of progress is a step in the right direction. And, if you and your partner are committed to working through your issues together, you’ve already won half the battle! Taking time for personal self-reflection or to read something to give you some perspective (like this blog from the Utah Marriage Commission) can help you see things in a more positive light.
- Be assertive, but respectful. Once you’ve gotten started, set your sights on communicating your thoughts clearly and achieving mutual understanding. Don’t skip over your really important feelings, but don’t hash out every issue you’ve ever experienced, either; try to focus on one issue at a time. Remember to be respectful and willing to consider their perspective. Hold off on judgment until feelings have been expressed and both partners feel heard—one way to do this is to show you’re listening by nodding your head, making frequent eye contact, and following their words in your head. You can also occasionally repeat back to them what you are hearing to check for understanding and make sure you are on the same page.
- Apologize. Admitting that you contributed to the tension isn’t always easy, especially when each other’s pride is part of the conflict, but it will make a HUGE difference in the end. If nothing else, wait until you’ve both cooled down and then go and apologize. Also, if you feel injured by something your partner did, be willing to give them a little extra grace by assuming they had the best intentions (this does NOT apply when abuse is involved). Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt will only strengthen your relationship, and honestly, it will probably come back around to you later!
- Consider a relationship enhancement course. Many communities and churches offer free classes or workshops for couples to learn fantastic skills to build or renew their emotional intimacy. Check out this link on our site to enroll in a free research-based relationship course.
Emma Howlett is the primary author of this blog.