5 Tips to Strengthen the Couple Relationship in a Remarriage and/or Stepfamily

First off, congratulations! Entering a remarriage after a spouse’s death or divorce can be so hard to do. So many people just want to find their happy ever after and it can be stressful to put yourself in a marriage situation again when the first one didn’t work out how you thought it would. Samuel Johnson once said, “To marry again represents the triumph of hope over experience.” By now, however, you’ve realized that this new relationship is not just going to be a walk in the park. Whether you’re a new stepparent navigating the life of a blended family or a new spouse dealing with the complexities of remarriage, here are five tips to strengthen your relationship with your current spouse.

Tip #1 Set Clear Boundaries

Many of these tips are not necessarily new when it comes to relationships, but they are so important. Coming into a remarriage, you are combining two different people that are bringing already set ways of life with them into the relationship. It’s important to set clear boundaries and make it clear what you are willing to tolerate in your relationship.

When it comes to the establishment of the stepfamily, your kids may feel displaced by the introduction of the new parent. They develop a close bond with you while it is just you and them, and it is normal for them to dislike your new spouse initially. It’s important to set a clear boundary with your kids about your involvement with your new spouse. Children need to know that although you still love them, you have to set time aside specifically for your new spouse. Your relationship with your new spouse can set the tone for the environment of your whole family.

Tip #2 Communicate Clearly

As previously mentioned, remarriages do not typically start off with a clean slate like first marriages do, so you need to make sure that you are communicating with your spouse clearly and effectively. For example, if it is important to you that your husband takes out the trash, communicate that with him. In his previous marriage, that could have been the wife’s job, so he has no idea that this is important to you.

In the case of stepfamilies, as a new stepparent you may not immediately come into the role of a parental figure to enforce rules, and this needs to be communicated beforehand. Your couple relationship will do better if you effectively communicate your expectations with your partner on how you want them to interact with your kids initially and how your spouse expects that you communicate with his or her kids, both now and in the future.

Tip #3 Allow Relationships to Naturally Unfold

One of the biggest myths when it comes to new marriages is that love can conquer anything and that everyone will get along. This is not always true. Just like in the case of first marriages, you can’t expect everyone to immediately get along. Your extended family may not like your new spouse initially, for example. This doesn’t mean they never will, but that you need to allow time for those natural relationships to unfold.

The same concept applies to stepfamilies. Your kids may not fall in love with your new spouse quickly like you did. Often, they are still very attached to their non-resident or deceased parent, and they may think it’s disloyal to let a new parent enter the fray. In addition to working on the couple relationship to build a stronger marriage, work on the new parent-child relationship often. The parent-child relationship precedes the new couple relationship which may create additional stress.

Tip #4 Choose Your Battles Wisely

This is good advice for anyone in a relationship, but there is so much complexity in a remarriage relationship that it is important to address conflict one at a time on a scale of most important to least important. It is often not worth to complain about every little thing that may bother you about your new partner. They were living a completely different life before you came along. It’s hard to change habits and ways of doing things. Fighting about every little thing will only develop a negative outlook on your relationship and won’t necessarily fix those things. C. JoyBell C. once said, “Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go.”

Tip #5 Stick Together Through the Rough Times

Although applicable to most situations that constitute remarriages, this is especially important for individuals coming from divorced relationships. You went through hard times with your last spouse and one day it became too much, and a divorce followed. Although not all, many people may develop a perception that relationship dissolution is a solution to relationship distress. One indicator of relationship dissolution in remarried families are long lasting preconditions that caused the initial marriage to end. If you are not willing to change and work with your new partner when the rough times come, because they always will, your relationship is a lot more likely to meet the same exact end. You must be willing to stick it out with your new spouse and work to be better than before.

And Know that You’ve Got This!

Like Samuel Johnson said, “remarriage is a triumph!” There are so many benefits that apply to remarriages that can outweigh the trials specific to remarriages. If needed, there are many resources available to you (e.g., Healthy Relationships Utah, Utah Marriage Commission), although professionals are still learning themselves on how to best help remarried individuals and stepfamilies. In the end, celebrate your triumph and put in the work to make it last, you’ve got this.