What to Do When Your Child is Bullying Others

By Lisa Schainker, Extension Assistant Professor

If you find out that your child is getting bullied, your immediate reaction as a parent is likely to be to protect them and keep them safe. But what if you find out that your child is the one engaging in the bullying behavior? Many parents in this situation start out by defending their child because they don’t believe their child is capable of purposely hurting another child. The reality is that bullying is very common. According to data from the School Survey on Crime and Safety: 2017-2018, 28% of middle school students and 16% of high school students said they had experienced bullying, while 33% of middle school students and 30% of high school students reported being cyberbullied. With the prevalence of this concerning behavior being so high, it is important to remember that for every child being bullied, there is another child doing the bullying.  

So, why are some kids more likely to bully others? Some of the risk factors include not having the coping skills to effectively manage their emotions, frustration, or aggressive impulses. They may have low self-esteem or feel insecure and find that bullying someone else helps them feel better about themselves. Finally, one of the most common scenarios is that they become a bully because someone has bullied them or they have learned to be physically aggressive from someone at home such as a sibling (Thomas et al., 2018). Research has shown that youth who bully others are at increased risk for substance misuse, problems with school, and experiencing violence later in life (Farrington & Baldry, 2010). And youth who both bully others and are bullied themselves experience even more negative consequences and are at greater risk for mental health and behavioral problems.

Although it may be difficult to accept that your child would purposely try to hurt another person physically or emotionally, if the evidence suggests that it is happening, it’s best to try to address it with your child sooner than later. Addressing bullying with your child can benefit them and reduce the potential negative future consequences. Here are some strategies to try:

• Try to understand what is motivating their behavior. It is possible that they are looking for attention but going about it in a negative way. If they have been bullied, they may be doing it to someone else because they want to feel like they have some power and control over someone else. Try not to make assumptions and instead ask questions like, “Can you please tell me your side of the story so I can understand what is going on?”
• Have open conversations about bullying. If you continue to defend your child or pretend like it isn’t happening, your child may not understand that this behavior is not okay, and they may believe that you are supportive of them bullying others. Be direct with them about what they are doing, why it is a problem, and what you expect from them by saying something like, “I understand that you are spreading rumors about your classmates on social media. When you do this, it can be really hurtful to others. It isn’t acceptable and I need you to stop.”
• Don’t shame them or tell them that they should know better. Instead, focus on teaching them skills such as having empathy for others, managing frustration or anger in a healthy way, and asking for help when they need it. Often, kids who engage in bullying behaviors are hurting in some way and really need your support. They may even need treatment for an underlying mental health concern.
• Help them deal with the consequences. If the school suspends them or gives them detention, help them understand that this is a consequence of their actions and explain why it is fair and reasonable. You may also decide to have them apologize to the person they bullied. This teaches them the important skill of admitting that what they did was wrong and how to take responsibility for i

Remember that bullying is a behavior that can be changed with the correct support. It doesn’t mean that your child is a “bad” kid. Once you understand what is going on and why they are doing it, you can work toward helping them address their needs in a kinder, more positive way. For more resources on bullying, please visit www.stopbullying.gov.

References

Diliberti, M., Jackson, M., Correa, S., & Padgett, Z. (2019). Crime, Violence, Discipline, and Safety in U.S. Public Schools: Findings From the School Survey on Crime and Safety: 2017–18 (NCES 2019-061). U.S. Department of Education. Washington, DC: National Center for Education Statistics. Retrieved from http://nces.ed.gov/pubsearch

Farrington, D. & Baldry, A. (2010). Individual risk factors for school bullying. Journal of Aggression, Conflict and Peace Research, 2(1): 4-16. Available from https://doi.org/10.5042/jacpr.2010.0001.

Thomas, H. J., Connor, J. P., & Scott, J. G. (2018). Why do children and adolescents bully their peers? A critical review of key theoretical frameworks. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 53(5), 437. Available from https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-017-1462-1.