Understanding Sibling Rivalry and How to Help

By Christina Pay, USU Extension Assistant Professor

Sibling rivalry is a common occurrence in family life where siblings compete, argue, and vie for parental attention. It can manifest in various ways, including verbal disputes, physical fights, and feelings of jealousy or resentment. While a certain level of rivalry is normal, prolonged or intense conflict can affect the family dynamics and children's well-being.

We may not think of insults and fighting between siblings as harmful, but to a child it can feel like bullying. In a study on family dynamics from 2021, sibling bullying is linked to a lower sense of self-esteem and life satisfaction in young adults. Another study found that when a child is bullied by a sibling the risk of self-harm and depression in early adulthood doubles.

Causes of Sibling Rivalry

1. Parental Attention: Siblings often compete for their parents' attention, leading to jealousy and rivalry.
2. Individual Differences: Differences in age, personality, and interests can cause friction between siblings. For example, as children discover their own interests and talents, they may want to appear different from their siblings.
3. Perceived Fairness: Children are highly sensitive to fairness and may feel deeply the unfairness of unequal treatment.
4. Parental Comparison: Comparing siblings can foster resentment and competition.
   
   

Strategies to Help Manage Sibling Rivalry

1. Equal Attention: Ensure each child receives individual attention and feels valued. Spend quality time with each child, focusing on their interests and needs. If you need to spend more time with one of your children due to problems such as medical or emotional issues, talk to your other children about it. If they they don’t understand why you are spending more time with their sibling, they may make incorrect assumptions.
2. Fair Treatment: Strive for fairness, not necessarily equality. Understand that different children may need different things.
3. Conflict Resolution Skills: Teach children how to resolve conflicts constructively. Encourage them to express their feelings, listen to each other, and find mutually acceptable solutions. Additionally, demonstrate healthy conflict resolution and cooperation in your own interactions. Children often mimic their parents' behavior.
4. Avoid Comparisons: Avoid comparing your children. Highlight each child's unique strengths and achievements.
5. Family Rules: Establish clear family rules about acceptable behavior and conflict resolution. Ensure that the rules fit each child and that the general rules in your family unit are applied equally. Consistent enforcement helps children understand boundaries.
6. Positive Reinforcement: Praise cooperative behavior and teamwork among siblings. Positive reinforcement can encourage a harmonious relationship.
7. Spend time together as a family: Hold game nights or go on outings together. Let everyone take a turn choosing a game or an activity so that everyone knows and feels their choices matter and are valued.
8. Professional Help: If sibling rivalry becomes intense and unmanageable, consider seeking help from a family therapist or counselor.

Sibling rivalry is a natural part of growing up, but it can be managed effectively with the right strategies. By fostering a supportive and fair environment, teaching conflict resolution skills, and providing equal attention, parents can help their children build strong, positive relationships with each other.

References

1. Plamondon, A., Bouchard, G., & Lachance-Grzela, M. (2021). Family Dynamics and Young Adults' Well-Being: The Mediating Role of Sibling Bullying. Journal of interpersonal violence, 36(9-10), NP5362–NP5384. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260518800313
2. Bowes, L., Wolke, D., Joinson, C., Lereya, S. T., & Lewis, G. (2014). Sibling bullying and risk of depression, anxiety, and self-harm: a prospective cohort study. Pediatrics, 134(4), e1032–e1039. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2014-0832
3. McCarthy, C., (2022). Sibling rivalry is normal – but is it helpful or harmful? Harvard Health Publishing: Child and Teen Health. Harvard Medical School.
4. Kramer, L., & Conger, K. J. (2009). What We Learn from Our Sisters and Brothers: For Better or For Worse. Psychological Science, 18(5), 282-286.
5. McHale, S. M., Updegraff, K. A., & Whiteman, S. D. (2012). Sibling Relationships and Influences in Childhood and Adolescence. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74(5), 913-930.
6. Perlman, M., & Ross, H. (2005). The Benefits of Parent-Child Reminiscing About Positive versus Negative Events. Journal of Child Language, 32(1), 85-98.