Supporting Your Partner Through Grief

By Abby Julian, Youth & Family Educator and Lisa Schainker, Extension Associate Professor

Although everyone will experience grief at some point in their lives, it never looks exactly the same for any two people. When your partner is grieving it is important to support them through their unique experience. While you can’t take their pain away, your presence, empathy, and thoughtful support can make a meaningful difference in their healing process (Sarper & Rodrigues, 2024) and create a deeper bond in your relationship. Below we share some strategies to consider if you find yourself needing to support your romantic partner through a grief experience.

1. Be Patient

Some people cry, some people get angry, some people want to talk, and some people shut down and need space to process their loss. It can be frustrating when your partner doesn’t do what you think they should be doing to work through their grief or isn’t handling it the way you would. Instead of telling them what they need to do, ask what they need from you and don’t try to force them to talk about it. Be patient with them and give them space.

2. Be Present

When your partner is grieving a loss, it can be difficult to know what to say. Remember, you don’t need the perfect words to make things better—just being there can mean more than you realize. Sometimes sitting together in silence or offering a consoling touch provides more comfort than anything you could say. Supportive physical touch, such as holding their hand, can help ease emotional distress and increase feelings of connection during difficult times such as grief (Sahi et al., 2021).

3. Listen with Compassion

In a time when emotions can be overwhelming, remember to use active listening techniques when your partner is grieving to help them feel truly heard and understood. When they are ready to share, make sure to give them your full attention, calmly repeat or summarize what they are saying to show you are listening, and acknowledge their emotions without trying to fix or minimize their pain. Research shows that empathetic, active listening during periods of high emotions such as grief fosters emotional safety and strengthens relationship bonds by building trust and closeness (Weger, 2014). Engaging in this type of listening can help create a safe space for your partner to express their grief in their own time.

Try saying:

• I am here for you. We will get through this together.
• I’m here to listen. Whatever you want to share, I want to hear it.
• Thank you for trusting me with this. Your feelings are important and matter to me.

4. Offer Practical Help

Because grief can be mentally and physically exhausting, everyday tasks may feel overwhelming to your partner. Offering to help with their usual responsibilities, like cooking, cleaning, yardwork, or childcare, can ease your partner’s mental load and give them space to rest and process their emotions. What’s most helpful might change from day to day, as grief isn’t a linear process and their needs may shift over time (Stroebe et al., 2017). Gently checking in with your partner throughout the day can help you gauge how they’re feeling and understand what kind of support they may need at that moment.

4. What to Avoid Saying

Sometimes as we try to comfort our partner, we may end up saying something that does more harm than good. For example, saying “I know how you feel” can sound patronizing even if you've experienced a loss before. Instead, try saying “I can’t imagine exactly what you’re feeling, but I’m here for you.” When you use phrases that start with “at least,” such as “At least they’re in a better place” or “At least you had time to prepare,” it makes it sound like they shouldn’t be as upset as they are. It’s important to let them feel what they feel without trying to reframe it in a positive light. Finally, saying “Everything happens for a reason” can come across as dismissive rather than comforting. It is more helpful to focus on being present and supportive rather than trying to explain the loss.

In conclusion, your partner might not always know or be able to express what they need in the moment. Be willing to observe, offer gentle support, and try different approaches to see what seems to help. Supporting a grieving partner takes patience and a willingness to meet them where they are. Your consistent support from being present, listening with compassion, and offering practical help can provide meaningful comfort and strength in their time of need.

For more information and resources please visit: https://www.samhsa.gov/communities/coping-bereavement-grief

References

Sahi, R. S., Dieffenbach, M. C., Gan, S., Lee, M., Hazlett, L. I., Burns, S. M., Lieberman, M. D., Shamay-Tsoory, S. G., & Eisenberger, N. I. (2021). The comfort in touch: Immediate and lasting effects of handholding on emotional pain. PLOS ONE, 16(2), Article e0246753. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0246753

Sarper, E., & Rodrigues, D. L. (2024). The role of perceived social support in the grief experiences of more anxious and self-compassionate people. The Family Journal. https://doi.org/10.1177/00302228241229484

Stroebe, M., Schut, H., & Boerner, K. (2017). Coping with bereavement: Toward an integrative model of grief. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 12(4), 373–387. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691617708215

Weger, H., Castle Bell, G., Minei, E. M., & Robinson, M. C. (2014). The relative effectiveness of active listening in initial interactions. International Journal of Listening, 28(1), 13–31. https://doi.org/10.1080/10904018.2013.813234