Self-Care Isn't Selfish: How to Care for Yourself (and Each Other)

By Elizabeth Davis, Extension Associate Professor

Do you ever feel like self-care is something you should be doing, but you struggle to make time for it? Maybe it feels indulgent or even a little selfish. You’re not alone. For many, the phrase “self-care” brings to mind images of bubble baths or spa days. While those can be enjoyable, they only scratch the surface of what self-care really means.

Self-care is any intentional activity we do to support our overall well-being—mental, emotional, physical, social, and professional. It isn’t one-size-fits-all, and it isn’t just about pampering; it’s about maintaining the foundation that helps us function, connect, and thrive (World Health Organization, 2022).

As children, our needs are simple and are met by caregivers. As adults, that responsibility shifts. We are now responsible for our own self-care, often while also caring for others. Many of us didn’t have strong models for what healthy self-care looks like across all areas, so it’s common to feel confident in some areas and struggle in others.

It’s also important to remember that self-care is not selfish. Research suggests that taking care of ourselves actually strengthens our relationships. As Dr. John Gottman emphasizes, “By engaging in proactive self-care, we can create the conditions necessary for deep, mutually fulfilling connections with ourselves, our partners, families, and friends” (Gottman Institute, 2014).

Similarly, parenting educator L.R. Knost reminds us, “Taking care of myself doesn’t mean ‘me first’; it means ‘me, too.’”

One helpful way to think about self-care is the difference between reactive and proactive care. Reactive self-care happens after something is already wrong, when we feel burned out, overwhelmed, or forced to make changes. Proactive self-care, on the other hand, is intentional and ongoing. It helps us manage stress before it builds and supports long-term well-being (Aspinwall & Taylor, 1997).

If you’re not sure where to begin, keep it simple: identify which areas feel neglected, evaluate what’s currently working, and choose one area to focus on. Avoid “should” thinking, and instead choose something you actually want to improve. Then make a simple, realistic plan that you can maintain over time.

When life gets stressful or overwhelming, self-care is often the first thing we drop, even though it’s what we need most. That’s why small, consistent efforts matter more than occasional big ones.

Self-care also plays an important role in our relationships. Supporting a partner’s self-care can strengthen the connection and reduce stress for both individuals. This might look like asking “What do you need?” and truly listening, creating small supportive rituals, helping make space for each other’s needs, and staying flexible as those needs change over time.

Self-care isn’t about perfection; it’s about intention. Taking care of yourself allows you to show up more fully in every area of your life, including your relationships.

Additional Resources

• The Gifts of Imperfection — Brené Brown
• The Art of Extreme Self-Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time — Cheryl Richardson

References

Aspinwall, L. G., & Taylor, S. E. (1997). A stitch in time: Self-regulation and proactive coping. Psychological Bulletin, 121(3), 417–436. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.121.3.417 

Gottman Institute. (2014). Arguments and self-care. https://www.gottman.com/blog/arguments-and-self-care/ 

World Health Organization. (2022). WHO guideline on self-care interventions for health and well-being. https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/9789240052192