Reframing Expectations as a Single Parent

By Becky Whittaker, Program Coordinator & Lisa Schainker, Extension Associate Professor

Before having children, many of us think about the kind of parent we want to be and envision a thriving, happy, well-oiled machine with two loving partners sharing the role. However for many parents, what was once a team effort becomes a one-person show. According to the latest census data provided by the PEW Research Center, nearly 1 out of every 4 children living in the United States is being raised in a home with only one caregiver (Kramer, 2019). These parents are left to figure out how to manage all of the child rearing on their own.

Is single parenting hard? Absolutely. Being a single parent can be rough. For example, single parents may worry that their children are missing what they once had or that they are a failure for being unable to keep up with all of their responsibilities. Instead of getting stuck in the mindset that your single parent family “isn’t enough,” try these strategies to reframe your expectations.

Strategy 1: Allow your vision to shift from how it could have been, to how it is. 

Rarely does a vision pan out to be exactly what we dreamed of, even for two parent households. When we get stuck ruminating about what was, we have a harder time seeing the good in our current situation (Ferguson, 2022). Holding on too tightly to the old version of your family can also make it hard to heal from loss and disappointment. By embracing and accepting your family as is, you and your children can more easily move forward. Don’t forget, your children deserve to be happy with your family, just as it is. And so do you.

Strategy 2: Don't compare your single parent family to two-parent families. 

Comparing a single parent family to two-parent families is like comparing apples to oranges. Each family has their own unique set of challenges, resources, and dynamics. While a two-parent family has an extra adult to help lift the weight in the home, single parent families often have a community of close relatives and friends that are there to support them. Look for the people in your life, and the lives of your children, who want to help and let them know what they can do to support you. Try to put the comparisons aside and recognize that all families, no matter how they’re structured, are special and entirely their own.

Strategy 3: Focus on what you can do, and don't get hung up on what you can't. 

When you reframe your expectations, it can help reduce guilt and focus on what is possible instead of putting energy into worrying about what’s not. Your energy is limited, so don’t drain it obsessing over what you can’t provide. Instead, focus on what is within your control. As you do this, your children will also learn to focus on what they have instead of what they are missing.

Strategy 4: Set short-term goals and celebrate the small wins.

Long-term goals and plans can be overwhelming when you’re trying to balance parenting, a career, finances, and daily survival. Instead, set goals that are short-term, realistic, and achievable. By doing this, you’ll reduce the pressure that you put on yourself and find more joy in finally being able to check things off your to-do/want-to-do lists. In addition, be open with your children about your goals for yourself and your family. When goals are accomplished, decide together how to celebrate and acknowledge the hard work that went into it. Short-term goals provide quick wins that grow self-confidence, boost spirits, and strengthen family bonds.

Strategy 5: Recognize that investing in yourself is not selfish.

As a parent, it can be easy to lose sight of who you are, your needs, and how best to take care of yourself, often as a result of always putting everyone else ahead of yourself. While this happens to two-parent families as well, it can hit single parents especially hard. By reframing how you look at self-investment, you’ll realize that to truly be the best parent you can be, you must take care of yourself. Doing so grants you permission to reflect internally and ask yourself what energizes and interests you and allows you to prioritize what you need to start finding yourself again (Hoch, 2024). Because let’s be honest, you simply can’t be the kind of parent that you truly want to be without investing in yourself.

In sum, it can take time and effort to reframe your expectations about life as a single parent. As you are able to view your family situation in a more positive light, instead of focusing on how things should be, you are modeling resilience for your children. Remember, it’s not about lowering your expectations, it’s about making them realistic, compassionate, and sustainable so you and your children can thrive.

References

Ferguson, S. (2022). How to move past regret. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/blog/a-powerful-exercise-for-moving-past-regret

Hoch, M. (2024). Reflecting, Rethinking, Revising, and Reframing. Journal of Singing 81(1), 59-64. https://dx.doi.org/10.53830/sing.00062.

Kramer, S. (2019). U.S. has world’s highest rate of children living in single-parent households. Pew Research Center. https://pewrsr.ch/2LLvbxW