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Preparing for Holidays with the In-Laws

By Christina Pay, Extension Assistant Professor

couple hugging their parentsThere is no time like the holidays for families to gather to enjoy the season.  However, if you find it difficult to deal with your in-laws, it may not always be the happiest time of the year. In an interview with CNN, Dr. John Gottman, world-renowned for his work on the marriage, explained, that “Every marriage is a cross-cultural experience regardless of whether people are from different or the same cultures. They come from different families and the family they create is a brand-new culture that has never existed before.” (Gottman, 2001). This new family culture can bring mixed feelings and expectations where in-laws are concerned, especially during the holidays. To curtail uncomfortable situations during the holiday season it pays to be prepared. The following suggestions will help you establish guidelines that can give you confidence as you face the holidays.

1. Establish boundaries.Work with your spouse in discussing things you are not comfortable with at family gatherings. In your conversations, you may want to establish a “code” word. When a situation becomes uncomfortable it will signal your spouse that you need to be ‘rescued’ from the conversation or that you just need to step away for some fresh air. You should both be on the same page and ready to support each other. Keep communication open and respectful when sharing concerns or things you are anxious about and remember to keep the conversation constructive. This will bring you closer as a couple and help you to put each other first. 
2. Manage your expectations. Having realistic expectations will help keep frustration and anger at bay. Your in-laws are not the same as your parents. Instead of focusing on differences, try to find common ground and keep an open mind. Perhaps you will learn new things about your partner and their family that you didn’t know before. Keep in mind that you aren’t perfect, nor are they, so don’t pressure yourself to be. This can help you to not take things personally. 
3. Try the team approach.  Try to include your in-laws in the planning of family events. Everyone appreciates feeling included. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Each family member may have a special talent, skill, or game they can share. Whether it’s carving the turkey, bringing the paper plates, or leading an ice breaker, everyone can contribute and feel part of the festivities. A commitment to trying new ways to connect with your in-laws can nurture that relationship.

It may also be helpful to remember that your in-laws raised your spouse; the person you love and married. There is an unmistakable connection between parent and child, even though sometimes it may be difficult for you. Instead of focusing on those difficulties,  look at your incredible spouse and remind yourself that your in-laws must have done something right. This can help as you work towards having positive interactions with your in-laws.  

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