Newlywed Tips

By Tasha Howard, Extension Assistant Professor

A wedding is a celebration of two people joining their lives together and beginning a new partnership as a family. It’s a day filled with optimism and hope for the future, but eventually the wedding day bliss wears off and the honeymoon phase ends. When that happens and reality sets in, it is important to build a foundation for the rest of the marriage. If you are a newlywed (or soon to be newlywed) and wondering how you can set your marriage up for success here are some researched-backed tips to help you in that process.

1. Learn to navigate conflict. Combining your life with someone new is bound to bring up conflict. Whether it is something small like the way they load the dishwasher, or something larger like how they manage money, conflict is bound to happen. How you deal with it is the key. One skill to help navigate conflict is learning to have a “soft start-up” (Lisitsa, 2020). This means you can use I-statements and say how you feel or what you need and state the complaint in a softer, less harsh tone, allowing for the tone to be set and a healthy conversation to occur.  
2. Create shared meaning. Shared meaning occurs through creating rituals, goals, and symbols (Brittle, 2020). As a newlywed, this can be an especially fun process. Are there things you already do such as a phrase or inside joke that means something to only you as a couple? Is there a routine greeting you have or goals you want to accomplish together? Being able to create shared meaning can give zest to your relationship.  It also helps you find ways to check in throughout the day and throughout your marriage. 
3. Learn about and practice your partner’s love language. Love languages, as described in a book by Gary Chapman, suggest every person has a preferred way to give and accept love (Chapman, 2015). Understanding the ways in which your partner feels and shows love can be important to feeling satisfied in your relationship (Bland, McQueen, 2018). You can learn more about yours and your partner’s love languages online for free, in Gary Chapman’s book, or at 5lovelanguages.com. This background gives you a map for how you and your partner can recognize signs and attempts to connect. Recognizing those love signs will bring you closer together. 
4. Communicate openly and often. In addition to learning to navigate conflict, it is also important for newlywed couples to learn to communicate openly and often. This includes not only communicating about difficult topics like past traumas, frustrations, and fears, but also communicating about the good things like goals, ideas, and observations. According to one study, communication styles and dynamics set at the beginning of a newlywed relationship tend to be enduring over the years and are predictive of relationship outcomes (Williamson, 2021). So, work on being open and talking with your partner – set down your phone, set a specific time each day, but make time to communicate openly and honestly to set the tone for the rest of your marriage. 

Being a newlywed is a lot of fun. Setting your marriage up for success is key. Use the tips above to build learn what it is to truly love and learn as a couple and build a foundation you can be proud of.

References

• Bland, Andrew & McQueen, Kand. (2018). The Distribution of Chapman’s Love Languages in Couples: An Exploratory Cluster Analysis. 10.1037/cfp0000102.
• Brittle, Z. L. (2020, October 13). Create Shared Meaning. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/shared-meaning-is-key-to-a-successful-relationship/
• Chapman, G. (2015). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts (Reprint ed.). Northfield Publishing.
• Lisitsa, E. (2020, December 29). How to Fight Smarter: Soften Your Start-Up. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/
• Williamson, H. C. (2021). The development of communication behavior over the newlywed years. Journal of Family Psychology, 35(1), 11–21. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000780