How to Keep Marriage Vibrant During Empty Nesting

By: Extension Assistant Professor - Carbon County, Christina Pay

Many couples look forward to the day when their children leave home and they can return to being a couple again. A 2017 study found that once couples become parents, those in the United States spend an average of three hours and 52 minutes a day parenting alone (Garcia-Roman et al., 2017).  With children under the age of 10 these same couples spend an average of 208 minutes a day together with a family and 46 minutes a day exclusively alone with each other (Garcia-Roman et al.).  Not including time when they are working, couples spend 387 minutes a day apart from each other (Garcia-Roman et al.).  Without the daily demands of being a parent, couples may find themselves with a lot of free time to spend with their spouse.  Readiness to become a couple again isn’t something that just happens. Many relationship experts warn that waiting until the children have moved out is too late to begin enjoying a thriving relationship. To ensure a vibrant and healthy relationship once the nest empties takes time and preparation and should begin long before children leave home. 

A good foundation for any couple is to build “Love Maps” as recommended by Dr. John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  Love Maps are the place in the brain where one stores all the relevant information about their partner’s life. (Beaty, 2016).  A successful relationship requires each partner to revise, add details, and keep fresh that Love Map as they go through the ups and downs and changes in life, such as when children leave home (Beaty, 2016).   Knowing each other intimately and staying on top of the changes each experience during empty nesting will help couples focus on their marriage and stay connected.

• Stay busy.   This should start before the kids leave home.  Continue with and explore new hobbies or interests both individually and as a couple. Socialize with friends, exercise, participate in local classes, volunteer.  Staying busy will help fill the time previously devoted to children’s activities and increase enjoyment in life.
• Have a weekly date night.  Schedule a date night once or twice a week and enjoy activities such as dancing or cooking for one another.  Re-create your first date or plan special surprises for your partner to help fuel that spark you felt when you first met. 
• Go on adventures.  Now is the time to go to those places you always wanted to go.  But, don’t invite the kids.  This is your time.  Whether close to home or far away shared adventures are just around the corner. 
• Seek out support.  A child leaving home is not an emotionally easy time. Make time to share feelings with each other or with others whose children have recently left home. If feelings of depression persist, consult a doctor or mental health provider.

While the transition empty nesting provides to couples can be emotionally challenging it can also be a positive and fulfilling time.  By repurposing their time and with a little extra effort couples can strengthen their connection and intimacy as they begin this new chapter in their lives. 

Resources

• The Gottman Institute:  Build Love Maps https://www.gottman.com/blog/build-love-maps/
• Psychology Today:  How to Overcome Empty Nest Syndrome https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201308/how-overcome-empty-nest-syndrome
• 30 Fun and Flirty Date Ideas for Empty Nester Couples  https://www.eaglefamily.org/date-ideas-empty-nester/

References

• Garcia-Roman, J., Flood, S., & Genadek, K. (2017). Parents' time with a partner in a cross-national context: A comparison of the United States, Spain, and France. Demographic Research, 36(1), 111-144. 
• Beaty, J. (2016, October 28). How to rescue your marriage from empty nest syndrome. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved August 26, 2020, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/rescue-marriage-empty-nest-syndrome/ 
• Long, S. (2017, May). Keep your marriage full when the nest is empty. AFA Journal. Retrieved August 26, 2020, from https://afajournal.org/past-issues/2017/may/keep-your-marriage-full-when-the-nest-is-empty/
• Seven life hacks to deal with empty nest syndrome. (n.d.). ARAG Legal. Retrieved August 26, 2020, from https://www.araglegal.com/individuals/learning-center/topics/family-and-relationships/seven-life-hacks-to-deal-with-empty-nest-syndrome
• Brittle, Z. (2015, March 11). Build love maps. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved August 26, 2020, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/build-love-maps/