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Take the Survey »Marriage and Mindset: How to Cultivate Greater Love and Respect
By Julie Winterton, Student Intern, and Naomi Brower, Extension Professor
Love Is Powerful, But Is It Enough?
We often hear that love is all you need for a lasting marriage or partnership, but research and experience suggest it’s only part of the equation. Many relationship experts point to a second foundational pillar: respect (Jacob, 2023). When both love and respect are present and expressed consistently, couples are more likely to feel connected, supported, and secure.
How the "Crazy Cycle" Undermines Love and Respect
Have you ever felt stuck in a pattern where conflict keeps repeating itself? You may be trapped in what relationship researcher Emerson Eggerichs (2004) calls the “Crazy Cycle.” It works like this:
- When one partner doesn’t feel loved, they may respond in ways that feel disrespectful.
- When the other partner feels disrespected, they may respond in ways that feel unloving.
And around it goes.
Over time, this cycle can create distance, frustration, and resentment. Most couples don’t intend to hurt each other, but without awareness, these patterns can become automatic and potentially destructive (LifeTodayTV, n.d.).
Love Is Powerful, But Is It Enough?
The good news is that couples can interrupt this pattern. Eggerichs (2004) describes an alternative called the “Rewarded Cycle.” In this pattern:
- Acts of love tend to invite respect.
- Acts of respect tend to invite love.
For example, if one person comes home stressed from work, their partner can choose to respond with patience and support instead of criticism. This can help the stressed partner feel loved and understood, making them more likely to respond with appreciation and respect in return.
Instead of reacting defensively, partners choose responses that strengthen connection. While it’s helpful when both partners participate, meaningful change can begin with just one person choosing a different response.
Shift Your Thinking to Shift Your Relationship
Just as the “Crazy Cycle” can be interrupted when one partner chooses to respond differently, shifting your own mindset can have a profound effect on the health of your relationship. Lasting relationship change doesn’t come from trying to fix your partner. It begins with examining your own thoughts and behaviors. Psychologist Dr. Gustavo Benejam (2023) explains that real change happens when we “lead by example.” In other words, we influence our relationships most when we focus on what we can control.
- Take ownership of your role. Your behavior is your responsibility, regardless of your partner’s choices.
- Avoid keeping score. Tracking who did what often leads to resentment rather than resolution.
- Get curious. What does feeling loved or respected actually look like for your partner?
- Communicate openly. Try using gentle conversation starters such as, “I want to understand how you’re feeling,” or “I’d like to better understand your perspective.”
- Listen with intention. Sometimes your partner needs solutions; other times, they simply need to be heard.
- Express appreciation. Noticing and acknowledging effort can go a long way in strengthening connection.
- Repair when needed. Apologizing for unkind or disrespectful moments helps rebuild trust and closeness.
Moving Toward Connection
Healthy relationships aren’t built on perfection; they’re built on small, consistent efforts to show love and respect. As you become more intentional in how you think and respond, you may notice subtle but meaningful shifts in your relationship. Over time, these small changes can create a stronger, more supportive partnership.
Additional Resources
See the Love & Respect article on The Couples Post website.
References
Benejam, G. A. (2023, November 2). Don’t change the world: Change yourself first. South Florida Psychology Group. https://drbenejam.com/dont-change-the-world-change-yourself-first/
Eggerichs, E. (2004). Love and respect: The love she most desires; The respect he desperately needs. Thomas Nelson.
LifeTodayTV. (n.d.). Emerson Eggerichs: Get off the crazy cycle (Randy Robison / LIFE Today) [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MR6n6LFy8tU
Jacob, J. (2023, September 6). Love and respect: The two pillars of a happy marriage. Medium. https://medium.com/@justinejacob1971/love-and-respect-the-two-pillars-of-a-happy-marriage-cbff65b483ee