Managing Conflict with Negotiated Time-Outs

By Jared Hawkins, Extension Assistant Professor

What do you do when one partner wants to engage in conflict, while the other partner wants to avoid it? One way to compromise can be to use negotiated time-outs (Rosen et al., 2003). Negotiated time-outs are a way couples can de-escalate conflict and resolve arguments in a calm and logical way.

One of the reasons partners want to avoid conflict is that their arguments become too heated. In these cases, the emotional part of the brain takes control and reduces the partner’s ability to talk though things rationally and respectfully. When both partners are able to calm the emotional part of their brain, they can then continue their discussion in a more productive way. However, this can be difficult to do during a heated moment. Couples should discuss and even practice taking negotiated time-outs in advance so that they are prepared to use them during conflict. The following seven steps will help your time-outs be as effective as possible.

Step 1: Awareness.

Learn to recognize cues that your emotions are escalating. These can be emotions, thoughts, bodily sensations, or behaviors. For example, if you notice that your heart is beating faster, you start feeling angry, and you’re about to say hurtful things, these could signal that you may need a moment to calm. This awareness can be difficult to develop in heated moments, so consider building self-awareness through daily mindfulness practices.

Step 2: Staying within the safety zone.

Either partner can decide that their level of emotional reactivity is too high and that they need to calm.

Step 3: Signaling.

The person who wants a time-out should communicate this as respectfully as possible with a “T” symbol or by saying, “I need to take a time-out.”

Step 4: Acknowledging.

The other partner should resist the urge to continue arguing and instead allow them to take a time-out.

Step 5: Disengaging.

Partners go to separate locations. Before using time-outs, partners should discuss where they will go during this time and how long their time-outs should be. The time-outs should be at least 15 minutes to provide enough time to cool off but generally no longer than an hour to ensure that the partners can return to discuss next steps.

Step 6: Cooling Off.

Both partners will use calming techniques to cool off, such as meditating, going for a walk, or other engaging in other types of physical activity. Partners should not use this time to continue thinking about the argument. Only after calming their emotions can partners think more rationally about the situation, consider their partner’s perspective, and recognize their own contribution to the problem.

Step 7: Returning.

After finishing the designated time, partners come back together and decide if they need another time-out, if they want to continue the conversation, or if they want to table the discussion until another time.

When implemented effectively, negotiated time-outs can be an effective tool to help couples calm their emotions during difficult conflicts. It is essential for couples to be on the same page about how they will use these time-outs, so couples should discuss them in advance. By taking coordinated efforts to recognize and calm your emotions, you and your partner can make significant improvements in how you have conflict.

References

Rosen, K. H., Matheson, J. L., Stith, S. M., McCollum, E. E., & Locke L. D. (2003). Negotiated time-out: a de-escalation tool for couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 29(3), 291-8.