We Want Your Feedback!

Please give us feedback on one of our weekly question and answer articles. We value your time so the evaluation will only take 3 minutes or less, we promise!

Take the Survey »

Maintaining Boundaries in Romantic Relationships

By Lisa Schainker, Extension Assistant Professor

Women and Man Sitting Away from Each Other

Boundaries are the invisible lines that help us identify what behaviors and emotional experiences are acceptable to us. They are designed to keep us feeling safe and secure in our relationships. While we may not always think about it, boundaries are also really important when it comes to maintaining a healthy, balanced relationship with our romantic partner.

When trying to gain clarity on what your boundaries you should have in your romantic relationship, start by identifying what makes you feel uncomfortable during your interactions. You may experience frustration, anger, or anxiety during or after an interaction. If the cause of your discomfort isn’t immediately clear, try journaling or talking to a close friend to dig into it further. Pay attention to whether the interaction and negative feelings are related to one of your needs, expectations, values, or beliefs. For example, let’s say your partner wants you to ride on their motorcycle and this is something that has always scared you. You want to say “no,” but you are afraid to upset them. In this case, you are disregarding your need to feel safe.

Here’s another example, let’s say your partner suggests that the two of you go on a vacation that you know you can’t afford. It doesn’t seem fiscally responsible to you, but they seem excited about it. You are annoyed and frustrated, but you don’t want to make it into a big issue. Six months later it happens again and this time you feel even more irritated because you still haven’t paid off the credit card bill from the last trip. After making a few negative comments, you decide it isn’t worth putting up a fight and go along with it.

So, what’s happening here? The first clue that something is off is that you are feeling annoyed and frustrated and the feeling is intensifying because the behavior keeps happening. After some reflection, you realize that the issue is that your partner’s behavior is not consistent with your value of fiscal responsibility. If this continues to happen, you are likely to start resenting your partner.

Why is it so hard to tell them how you feel? It is very common to have trouble communicating and maintaining our boundaries with romantic partners because we often feel like we should do whatever we can to keep them happy, even at the expense of our own feelings, comfort, and needs. Some of the reasons that we continue to disregard our discomfort are that we worry about hurting our partner’s feelings, we don’t want to let them down, and it’s often easier for us to avoid an uncomfortable conversation with them.

To get past these common hang-ups, try reframing how you think about your boundaries. Try thinking and saying these things to yourself:

  • I deserve to feel respected;
  • I deserve to have my needs met;
  • It is not my job to keep my partner happy all of the time or always give in to what they want;
  • My partner would want to know that what they are asking me to do is creating stress for me; and
  • My partner wouldn’t want me to resent them over this.

It can be difficult for one partner to accept the other’s boundaries, especially when it means that how things have always been in the relationship will need to change. Remember this the next time your partner decides to share one of their boundaries with you and give them the same understanding. Although boundaries can be difficult to identify, express, and maintain, the effort will keep your relationship healthy and balanced in the long run.

References