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Keeping Love Alive After the Wedding

By Catherine Hansen - Professional Practice Extension Assistant Professor  
Man and Women Holding Hands

It is easy to feel love for your spouse when first married because of the temporary emotional obsession, also known as infatuation, that we experience when first falling in love.  We feel happy and think much of our new lover, feeling they can do no wrong and are just about perfect.  In fact, research has shown those euphoric feelings can last up to two years.  As much as we want the emotional obsession to continue forever, it would be difficult to sustain as we wouldn’t get anything accomplished because we would constantly be thinking of love.  During this emotional obsession, or “love haze” as Frost et al. call it (2014), we do nice things for our new lover which makes it easy to think it will always be this way. We also believe our new lover will always be kind and never do anything to hurt us.  We are likely to think this is real love.  However, as Chapman stated, “We can’t take credit for the kind and generous things we do while under the influence of the obsession.  Once we return to the real world of human choice we choose to be kind and generous…that is real love” (2014).  “Belonging and being loved are core to the human experience… we are relational creatures” (Perry, & Winfrey 2021).

What do we do to keep love alive after the wedding? 

What about couples that feel they have “…Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’? (Spector,Weil, & Mann, 1964) .    There is great news, infatuation isn’t meant to last forever, it is merely a starting point to a life of choosing to love.  Dr. Gary Chapman writes that we each have a “love language” (Chapman, 1992). Following are the five major love languages, as outlined by Dr. Chapman and a few examples of how that language is spoken.

  • Kind Words: Affirming word, sincere complements, encouraging words        
  • Quality Time: Giving undivided attention, focus, quality conversation
  • Receiving Gifts: Gifts don’t have to be expensive, just thoughtful
  • Acts of Service: Doing things for your spouse
  • Physical Touch: Holding hands, back rub, playing with hair

As we learn to show love in the way our spouse understands, “the love we share will be exciting beyond anything we ever felt when we were infatuated” (Chapman, 2014).  We will certainly, at times, fall short, but with practice and consistent effort true, healthy love is achievable.

References

Chapman, Gary Ph.D  (1992). 5 Love Languages.  Northfield Publishing

Chapman, Gary Ph.D (2014) 5 Love Languages: Men’s Edition. Northfield Publishing

 Frost, A., & Marlowe, A., (Writers), & Rowe, B. (Director). (February 24, 2014). Room 147 (Season 6, Episode 16) [TV series episode]. Amann, D., Bernstein, A., Bowman, R. Grae, D., & Marlowe, A. W. (Executive Producers), Castle; American Broadcasting Company

Perry, Bruce D, MD, Ph.D., & Winfrey, O. (2021). What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing.  Flatiron Books

Spector, P., Weil, C., & Mann, B. (1964). You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feelin’ [Recorded by Righteous Brothers] You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ [Single] Philles Records