As we get older, it seems there is less to talk about. How do you keep communication fresh?

By Intern Lura Woodland and Dr. Dave Schramm

Response:

First of all, it’s important that you recognize the need to keep communicating about the little things. So good work on clearly identifying an area for improvement in your relationship. From the way you worded this question, it seems as though you are wanting to find proactive strategies to strengthen your relationship. Here are a few tips based on John Gottman’s theory of The Sound Relationship House. Let’s take a closer look at a few of these below.

1. Build rapport before the struggles come. You seem to have already recognized that proactive or preliminary communication is necessary to build your friendship. This means before the fights or struggles and challenges come into play is when we start working out our communication and relationships. Practice being open about the daily simple and seemingly trivial aspects of life. Practicing communication during smooth times will help you communicate during the hard times. In Gottman’s Sound Relationship House he offers essential elements to laying the foundation and the pillars of our emotional relationships.
2. Keep the focus on your partner. When your spouse recognizes that you truly want to get to know them, they will open up more to you. While small talk communication should usually be reciprocal and balanced, you can show great interest in your partner by listening to themes or issues they keep discussing and commenting on. As you ask more questions about the things your partner is talking about, it is likely that they will feel heard and they may open up more to you. As you continue to ask questions and express interest in the details of your partner’s inner-life you will be creating a love map, or a map of understanding your partner which is the foundational element of Gottman’s Sound Relationship House
3. As your relationship grows, build on the other elements of your house to deepen your relationship.Once your knowledge of the other person has started to increase, you can build your house up by expressing appreciation for the person or paying them a compliment. Practice staying open and turning towards your partner when times are good. Practicing these skills now will prepare you for the heftier communication tasks that inevitably come into play as seen in the top four elements of The Sound Relationship House.

Additional Resources

• https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-build-love-maps/

References

• LGottman, J. & Gottman, J. (2017). The natural principles of love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9, 7-26.