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Take the Survey »How to Understand What Your Partner is Really Thinking
By Naomi Brower, Extension Professor & Olivia Packer, Student Intern
At some point or another, most people have had the experience of misunderstanding their partner. Sometimes people don’t say what is really on their minds. A good way to combat this is to use the speaker listener technique.
To use this technique, you must first understand and observe these rules (Markman et al., 2010):
- The speaker has the floor.
- Take turns being the speaker. Share the floor with your partner.
- Don’t switch into problem solving mode. The focus should be on the discussion, not on trying to find a solution.
Rules for the Speaker: When it is your turn to be the speaker, make sure you are speaking for yourself and not for the listener. It is important to give the listener time to understand what you are saying by pausing and allowing them to rephrase what you are saying.
Rules for the Listener: The listener’s role is to actively listen to what the speaker is saying (and may be feeling) and then to paraphrase in their own words what they believe the speaker is trying to communicate. This will help the speaker to feel heard and validated. Make sure you are focusing on the speaker’s message and not rebutting what they are saying.
When using the speaker listener technique, use “I” statements such as “I think… I feel… I want…” rather than statements that start with “you” (Hake, 2020). This will help to avoid blame and defensiveness. It is also important to not interrupt the speaker so that the speaker can feel heard. Finally, refrain from solving the problem. This will once again, help everyone to feel heard and validated.
Many people have moments where they misunderstand their partner. This can feel frustrating for both partners. Using the speaker listener technique can help you and your partner better understand and relate to one another and understand what they are really thinking.
To see this technique in action, watch this example video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JmGR8XHbJY.
References
Hake, D. (2020, December 30). Speaker - listener / a simple way to improve communication. Marriage & Family Counseling Center. Retrieved October 3, 2022, from https://marriageandfamilycenter.com/speaker-listener-a-simple-way-to-improve-communication/
Markman, H., Stanley, S., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage: A deluxe revised edition of the classic best seller for enhancing marriage and preventing divorce. Jossey-Bass.