How to Show Your Love in Everyday Ways

By Lisa Schainker, Extension Assistant Professor & Jennie Mauk, Project Coordinator

Valentine’s Day is here again and if you are like most couples, this is the one day out of the year when you make it a point to celebrate your love by going out for a nice evening and giving each other gifts and cards with sentimental messages. While these are all nice things to do and they can give your relationship a quick pick-me-up, limiting your efforts to just one day a year isn’t the best way to maintain a strong and enduring connection with your partner. According to relationship researchers John Gottman and Brené Brown, it’s the small interactions rather than the grand gestures that build trust and strengthen our connection to our partner. Look at it this way, if your relationship had an emotional piggy bank, doing one big thing for each other on Valentine’s Day might equate to putting in a $20 bill. However, the small things that you do for each other each day might equate to putting a dollar in that bank every day. At the end of the year, that daily dollar adds up to way more than the one-time $20 deposit—$365 to be exact. Let’s look at some ways to make small daily investments into your relationship’s bank account.

1) Pay attention to their “bids” for connection and respond appropriately.

John Gottman refers to a bid as the “fundamental unit of emotional communication.” Bids can be simply described as verbal or nonverbal requests for your partner’s attention. As an example, you come home from a long day at work looking tired and frustrated and as soon as you walk in you sigh loudly as you hang up your coat. Your partner witnesses this while they are watching the news. According to Gottman, there are three ways your partner can respond to this bid. They can “turn toward” you by turning off the TV and asking “what’s going on?” in a concerned way, they can “turn away” from you by ignoring you, or they can “turn against” you by saying something like, “what’s wrong with you?” in a sarcastic tone. Consider how many potential bids there are to react to throughout an average day and now imagine that each time you turn toward each other, you deposit a dollar in the emotional piggy bank. Each time you ignore a bid you are taking out a dollar, and each time you turn against a bid, you are withdrawing even more out of the account. Missing an opportunity to turn toward a bid every once in a while might not be a big deal, but when a pattern emerges of ignoring, missing, or negatively responding to your partner’s bids, it can affect the trust, emotional connection, and passion in your relationship (Ury, n.d.).

2) Show appreciation and gratitude for even the small things.

While it can be easy to overlook the little things your partner does for you each day, showing appreciation and gratitude for even the smallest things can go a really long way toward maintaining a strong relationship. In fact, gratitude is associated with increased levels of marital satisfaction and commitment and decreased levels of divorce proneness and negative communication patterns (Barton et al., 2015). It can go beyond just saying “thank you.” Try showing appreciation through actions. For example, if your partner makes the effort to do the laundry, an act of appreciation might be to fold the clothes and put them away. If you really want to make your partner feel good, consider sharing how what they have done has impacted you, such as “when you help me put the kids to bed, it makes my evenings so much less stressful.”

3) Offer to do something they like to do, even if it’s not your favorite activity.

Another way to keep your relationship bank account full is by making time for your partner in meaningful ways. Again, this doesn’t have to mean big gestures. It can be as simple as suggesting you do something you know they like to do that you normally wouldn’t do with them. For example, if they like to shop, offer to go with them to their favorite store. If they are into hiking, ask them to take you on one of their favorite hikes. When you show that you are willing to do the things that they enjoy with them, you are letting them know that you value spending time with them and that you support and care about their interests. Just remember to avoid making negative comments about the activity that you agreed to do and focus on being present while you are together. Finally, remind yourself to notice the delight they are experiencing doing something they enjoy with the person they love. It will make it all worth it!

In closing, while Valentine’s Day is a good excuse to make some extra effort in the romance department, you will get a bigger return on your investment by doing small, meaningful acts for one another every other day of the year.

References:

Barton A. W., Futris T. G., & Nielsen R. B. (2015). Linking financial distress to marital quality: The intermediary roles of demand/withdraw and spousal gratitude expressions. Personal Relationships, 22(3), 536–549. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12094

Ury, L. (n.d.). Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids. https://www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids/