How to Navigate Parenting Disagreements with Your Partner

By Josie Hatch, Health & Wellness Prevention Coordinator and Ashley Yaugher, Professional Practice Extension Associate Professor

If you’ve ever disagreed with your spouse about something parenting related, you’re not alone! While it’s common for partners to have different ideas about parenting, too much conflict can lead to resentment between partners. Unhealthy levels of conflict can also “spill over” onto children, possibly resulting in negative social and emotional outcomes for the kids (Haghighi & Khalilzadeh, 2012). 

The good news is that addressing parenting disagreements in a healthy way not only increases marital satisfaction, but it can also lead to improved parenting and healthier families (Huang et al, 2024). Below are five evidence-based strategies for reducing conflict related to parenting, while building connection in your marriage relationship.

Strategy 1: Set aside time for a safe conversation

Scheduling a time when both partners are calm, free of distractions, and ready to listen to each other might sound impossible for busy parents, yet it is essential for building understanding. Before discussing difficult topics, agree that you will avoid criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (Campbell & Yaugher, n.d.; Gottman, 2020). 

Strategy 2: Consider underlying issues

Sometimes parenting conflicts are not actually about the kids but are rooted in deeper or ongoing emotional issues such as stress, resentment, burnout, feeling unsupported, or fear of repeating past mistakes (Christensen et al., 2013; Gottman, 2016). Taking the time to identify and address underlying concerns allows couples to gain perspective on each other’s struggles. Before discussing parenting, try to write a list of anything that may be at the root of your disagreements and ideas for addressing these using “I” statements (Campbell & Yaugher, n.d.).

Strategy 3: Understanding core beliefs and values

If the real issue is parenting differences, consider that each spouse brings a different (and valuable) background to the relationship that influences parenting instincts (Simpson & Rholes, 2017). Consider whether you are doing something just because that’s how your parents did it and it seems right? Or maybe you felt deprived of something as a child and want to go the opposite route of your parents? This can especially be sensitive if one or both partners have experienced trauma or abuse (Lomanowska et al., 2017). Approach with curiosity why you and your spouse do things the way you do and what you value from the parenting relationship with them.

Strategy 4: Valuing differences

After reflecting on values, note that not all parenting disagreements carry the same weight. For example, one spouse might view an early bedtime as critical to the children’s health and their own sanity, while the other values flexibility and feels later bedtimes allow for more family connection. In considering the importance of this issue, the first might rate an early bedtime 8/10 (very important to them) while the second realizes that their own views on bedtime are 3/10 (not super important). However, they recognize their desire for family bonding is a 10/10 and both spouses agree to prioritize intentional family bonding in other ways and at other times. When partners can distinguish between deeply held values and negotiable preferences, accept influence from one another, and prioritize relational and mental health over low-stakes disagreements, they can have less conflict, more understanding, and greater relationship satisfaction (Gottman & Silver, 2015; Christensen & Heavey, 1990).

Strategy 5: Seek help when needed

If disagreements are chronic or becoming deeply divisive, consider a couple’s therapist to help navigate relationship issues. Parenting classes can be helpful. Still, remember that marriage, parenting, and child behavior problems don’t occur in isolation and can all be influenced by marriage difficulties (Grych, 2002).

Conclusion

Disagreeing about parenting practices is common and doesn’t mean your relationship is failing, or that either of you are bad parents! The key is using these challenges as opportunities to strengthen respectful communication while building empathy and connection. You can plan a safe conversation this week! Choose a low-stakes parenting disagreement to start. Consider any underlying issues that are getting in the way and acknowledge things you each value as parents.  Practice listening with curiosity and sharing what matters most to each of you while remembering that differences are ok. Look for ways to support each other in your parenting journey and seek help when you need additional guidance. Remember that parenting disagreements happen and can be worked through in healthy ways, together.

Resources

• Check out this “Values Card Sort” (Warren & Warren, 2024) activity to find your highest value priorities
• How to have difficult conversations: https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/faq/difficult-conversations
• When the Going Gets Good: Maintaining Healthy Relationships: https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/faq/maintaining-healthy-relationships
• Gottman Institute: The Four Horsemen
• Gottman Institute: The Antidotes
• National Institute of Health (NIH) Emotional Wellness Toolkit
• National Institute of Health (NIH) Social Wellness Toolkit
• Psychology Today (Therapist locator): https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/utah
• SAMHSA’s National Helpline to find a counselor: https://findtreatment.gov/ or 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

References

Campbell, E., & Yaugher, A.C. (n.d.). How to have difficult conversations. Utah State University Extension, Relationships. Retrieved January 21, 2026 from: https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/faq/difficult-conversations

Christensen, A., Doss, B. D., & Jacobson, N. S. (2013). Reconcilable Differences: Rebuild Your Relationship by Rediscovering the Partner You Love--Without Losing Yourself. Guilford Publications.

Christensen, A., & Heavey, C. L. (1990). Gender and social structure in the demand/withdraw pattern of marital conflict. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59(1), 73–81. doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.59.1.73

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Gottman, J. (2020). The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Retrieved January 16, 2026 from: https://keepingitrealcf.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/FourHorsemanGOTTMAN.pdf

Gottman, J. M. (2016). The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy. WW Norton & Company.

Grych, J. H. (2002). Marital relationships and parenting. Handbook of Parenting, 4, 203-225.

Haghighi, M., & Khalilzadeh, R. (2012). A survey on relationship between marital satisfaction and parenting styles. Nursing And Midwifery Journal, 10(1), 0-0.

Huang, C. Y., Shen, A. C. T., Li, X., & Feng, J. Y. (2024). Happy parents, happy kids: Marital happiness, parenting styles, and children's behavioral outcomes in Chinese societies. Family Relations, 73(3), 1763-1780. doi.org/10.1111/fare.12997

Lomanowska, A. M., Boivin, M., Hertzman, C., & Fleming, A. S. (2017). Parenting begets parenting: A neurobiological perspective on early adversity and the transmission of parenting styles across generations. Neuroscience, 342, 120-139.

Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 19-24. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4845754/