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How to Identify and Navigate around Gaslighting

By Sarah Ord, BA, CHES & Ashley Yaugher, PhD, Professional Practice Extension Assistant Professor woman yelling at another woman

Gaslighting has become a popular phrase in the past few years - one that you might hear tossed around in casual conversations. It refers to a manipulative tactic employed by someone to make another person doubt their memory or feel “crazy” (Johnson, 2021). The term stems from a 1938 British play, Gas Light, where a husband deliberately alters his and his wife’s environment and lies about it. When the wife questions the changes, he attempts to make her believe that it was never changed and question her sanity (Johnson, 2021). 

Gaslighting often occurs in relationships where there is a social inequality (e.g., gender, economical) and is used to gain or maintain power. It is often tied to gender stereotypes in heterosexual relationships, as gaslighters “rely on the association of femininity with irrationality” (Sweet, 2019). The gaslighter will attempt to make the victim feel irrational and then utilize gender stereotypes to blame their feelings on their gender instead of their experience. However, gaslighting is not limited solely to heterosexual relationships. It can occur in interactions of LGBTQIA+ people, cis- and transgender people, and people of all racial backgrounds (Johnson, 2021). Gaslighting can also occur in parent-child relationships, workplace interactions, and between family members (Drake, 2021).

How do I identify gaslighting? It is important to note that a relationship can be healthy for days, weeks, months, or even years before gaslighting begins. It is important to know some warning signs of gaslighting. Are you being gaslighted? Here are just a few signs (Stern, 2018), please note that this is not an all-inclusive list:

  •       You are constantly second-guessing yourself
  •       You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family
  •       You start lying to avoid put-downs and reality twists
  •       You feel confused or “crazy,” even at work or in different settings
  •       You have trouble making simple decisions
  •       You ask yourself “Am I too sensitive?” many times a day

Gaslighting may begin slowly - an individual being gaslighted may not even notice it when it first begins. It can begin with a simple accusation of deliberately causing harm. In The Gaslight Effect, Stern (2018) highlights three different stages of gaslighting. 

(1)   The first stage is initial disbelief. It often begins with the gaslighter making a statement that seems outrageous and the individual being gaslighted, the gaslightee, may brush it off as temporary or make excuses for the behavior. Stern elaborates that in this stage, the gaslightee would like the gaslighter’s approval but isn’t desperate for it yet (2018).

(2)   The second stage is defense. Stern states, “you know you’re in Stage 2 if you frequently feel obsessive, sometimes desperate. You’re no longer sure if you can win your gaslighter’s approval - but you haven’t given up hope” (Stern, 2018). The individual being gaslighted may attempt to prove their gaslighter wrong and argue to win their approval.

(3)   The last stage of gaslighting is depression. Many individuals being gaslighted may feel like they are no longer the person they used to be and may believe every negative word their gaslighter is telling them. They can lose their sense of self and experience a deep depression (Stern, 2018). 

 How do I cope with gaslighting?

Gaslighting, while difficult, can start to be navigated once it is identified. One of the most important things an individual can do is to build up a solid support network of people who can offer realistic views of what’s happening (Drake, 2021). It is also suggested that individuals being gaslighted maintain firm boundaries with their gaslighter (Drake, 2021). This can be achieved by learning how to walk away from arguments, how to say no, and how to limit interactions when needed. Once gaslighting has been identified, it is suggested to maintain distance between the gaslighter and establish healthy boundaries (Drake, 2021). 

If you are being gaslighted, know that it is not your fault and that you are not alone. Gaslighting can also be attached to other forms of abuse in relationships. If you suspect you are in danger or an abusive relationship, help can be found at these resources:

National Domestic Violence Hotline – 800-799-SAFE (7233) thehotline.org

Utah Domestic Violence Coalition: https://www.udvc.org/

Find a Therapist: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists


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