How to Have Difficult Conversations

By: Extension Assistant Professor, Elizabeth Davis

According to relationship expert John Gottman "94% if the time, the way a discussion starts determines the way it will end." If conversations start harshly or with criticism- the conversation will end with at least as much tension as it began.

In all intimate relationships, there will inevitably be misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Here are three tips to help you create and sustain a loving and nurturing relationship:

1. Soft start-up- When you need to have a conversation about a delicate or sensitive topic (e.g., money, sex, in-laws, parenting, etc.), be intentional about your approach. Start with the positives, things you appreciate, admire, respect, about your partner, or the situation. This will help set a positive tone for the rest of the conversation.
2. Listen – Listen to understand and not just to respond. Listening involves paying attention and trying to understand your partner's point of view. Listening helps us to understand our partner's feelings. Active listening requires attentiveness, focus, and a desire to better understand our partner.
3. Make repair attempts- As we will inevitably make mistakes, it is vital to learn how to make a repair attempt. A repair attempt is any statement or action – verbal or physical- meant to diffuse tension and keep conflict from escalating. The success of these attempts has a lot to do with how well it matches your partner's personality. For example, will your partner respond more favorably to humor, physical affection, or a small token of appreciation? Learning to make an effective repair attempt can be an incredible asset to your relationship. Repair attempts are like magic; when one partner makes a repair attempt the other person feels better and typically responds positively.

When implemented with intentionality and love, these three tips can have a profoundly positive impact on relationships. For additional tips and resources, please see the resource section below.

Resources

• https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/
• https://www.gottman.com/marriage-minute/

References

• Book by John Gottman and Nan Silver titled The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.