We Want Your Feedback!

Please give us feedback on one of our weekly question and answer articles. We value your time so the evaluation will only take 3 minutes or less, we promise!

Take the Survey »

How to be an Emotionally Intelligent Partner: Focus on Self-Management

By Caitlyn Rogers, Intern, and Lisa Schainker, Extension Assistant ProfessorCouple looking at sunset

This article is the second in a series on emotional intelligence. The first article “How to be an Emotionally Intelligent Partner: Focus on Self Awareness” can be found here.

Are there times in the heat of the moment when what you say or do is completely driven by your emotions? We have all probably let our emotions get the best of us at some point and this can be frustrating for us, not to mention hurtful to our partner. We are left wondering how we could’ve gotten so out of control and how to make it up to our partner. The good news is that understanding and managing our strong emotions can help us switch from simply reacting in the moment to thoughtfully responding.

Having self-awareness means being able to identify our emotions and triggers, which helps us understand why we feel the way we do. It is through this process that we identify areas in need of improvement. Self-management builds on self-awareness and is the next step in improving our emotional intelligence with our partners. According to Bradberry & Greaves, “Self-management is your ability to use awareness of your emotions to actively choose what you say and do” (2009, p. 97). It has also been described as an ability to manage emotions during stressful situations (Landry, 2019). Think of self-management as the muscle that allows us to control our emotions, and as we use it, it gets stronger.

With this in mind, let’s explore the difference between reactions and responses. Reactions are our raw feelings and resulting actions that occur automatically when we encounter one of our triggers. For example, when a partner doesn’t do something they promised to do, an automatic reaction might be feeling angry and frustrated accompanied by yelling, blame, and accusations. In contrast, responses are the words and actions we choose to use after having thought through the situation. In our example, a response would be taking a quick breath, collecting your thoughts, and formulating a message that is communicated in a calm and respectful way. Self-management grants us greater control and the ability to choose how we respond, even when we are stressed or upset. There are many ways to improve your self-management skills. We discuss three of these strategies below. 

  • Give Yourself Time. One of the easiest and most important strategies is giving yourself time. After you have identified a trigger and begin to feel the gut reaction bubbling up, push the pause button. Sometimes you only need a brief time out, which can be as simple as taking a few deep, slow breaths or taking a sip of water. This can be all you need to collect yourself and formulate a response. In other cases, you may need more time to collect yourself, so going on a walk or distracting yourself in some other way may be the best approach. However, it is important to remember that you should not ruminate or get stuck thinking about negative or unproductive feelings. Take the time to reframe the situation and try to see the situation from your partner’s perspective.
  • Share Your Goals. Another way to improve self-management is to share your self-management goals with your partner. When another person is aware of your goals, it creates a sense of responsibility and accountability. You and your partner will now have expectations for your behavior, which can help keep you motivated to focus on your self-management goals. If you want to take it a step further, you could even ask your partner (or someone else) to help track your behavior and give you a sign when you need to calm down and take a deep breath. Ask your partner if they would be willing to work on these skills together so you can support and serve as positive role models for each other.
  • Focus on the Positive. There is one more key component to self-management—mobilizing our positive emotions. Dr. Daniel Goleman defines self-management as not only managing the negative emotions, but using the positive emotions to boost our well-being and promote better decision-making (Big Think, 2012). This can take a variety of forms. Sometimes simply smiling and laughing more can help us maintain a positive mindset. We can also try watching a funny show or holding a pencil between our cheeks to engage the muscles used for smiling to help us feel better. Positive self-talk is always a good idea and can have a huge impact on how we feel each day. Focusing on our inner voice and choosing to talk to ourselves in uplifting and respectful ways has the potential to help us reframe how we view ourselves or a situation. General self-care strategies such as getting quality sleep, eating well, and regular physical activity can boost our positive emotions, which can help us keep a clear mind and stay positive.

Self-management is one of the most challenging emotional intelligence components to master, but with practice, your self-management muscles will get stronger and your romantic relationship will improve as a result.

References