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How to be an Emotionally Intelligent Partner: Focus on Relationship Management

Lisa Schainker, Extension Assistant Professor

older couple hugging

This article is the fourth in a series on emotional intelligence. The third article “How to be an Emotionally Intelligent Partner: Focus on Social Awareness” can be found here.

You may have heard of the “honeymoon” phase of a relationship. These initial months are called this because both partners have intense feelings of attraction and they tend to focus only on each other’s positive characteristics (Lewandowski, 2013). But what happens when reality sets in and couples must navigate through new life challenges together? This is when the emotional intelligence skills related to relationship management become especially important.

According to Bradberry & Greaves (2009), relationship management is how you build a bond with others over time. Maintaining a healthy relationship in which both partners’ needs are being met takes work, effort, and understanding. These researchers also contend that successful relationship management encompasses the use of the other three emotional intelligence skills—self-awareness, self-management, and social awareness. For example, your self-awareness skills allow you to notice your own feelings and determine whether your needs are being met. Your self-management skills are what can help you express your thoughts and feelings in ways that strengthen your bond. And your social awareness skills should be used to monitor your partner’s needs and feelings. Relationship management is about how we put all of these skills together to keep our relationships strong and get through stressful times with our partners. 

Below we share some strategies that couples can use to put these skills into practice:

  • Remain Curious and Ask Open-Ended Questions. When you have been in a relationship for a while it may seem like you know your partner inside and out. Knowing their likes and dislikes, their quirks, and their tendencies is one thing, but what is going through their minds is constantly changing. Asking open-ended questions and using exploratory prompts can help you understand why your partner believes what they believe, does what they do, and is who they are (Gottman et al., 2018). Try questions like, “What do you really wish for?” or “What would you really like to say right now?” Consider using prompts such as, “Help me understand your feelings a little better,” or “Tell me what you’re most concerned about.”  
  • Validate Your Partner’s Feelings. It can be difficult when your partner has beliefs or feelings that you don’t agree with or when they are upset for a reason that you don’t understand. Remember that everyone is entitled to their own emotions and that part of managing your relationship is acknowledging and validating your partner’s feelings, as opposed to telling them why they are wrong or dismissing their emotions. This can be done by saying something like, “I’m sorry you are having a hard time with this; what can I do?” You want your partner to feel like you respect their feelings and recognize that they are legitimate, even when you clearly don’t feel the same way (Bradberry & Greaves, 2009). 
  • Use Repair Attempts Often. We will all make mistakes during interactions with our partners. After all, no one is perfect. One of the most important relationship management strategies we can use is what Gottman and Silver (2015) call “repair attempts.” Repair attempts are any statement or action that someone uses to keep a conflict with their partner from escalating out of control. It can be something humorous that makes your partner laugh, a gentle touch, a reminder that you’re on the same team, or a simple apology. The keys to making a successful repair attempt are to do it before things get ugly and to tailor it to the situation. It’s also important to attend to what your partner needs at that moment. Keep in mind that finding what works best may take some trial and error.  
  • Focus on Increasing the Positives. We know that it’s important to reduce hostility and deal with conflict effectively, but it is also important for us to focus on creating opportunities for positive experiences if we want to maintain the health of our relationships. In fact, couples may be able to sustain the intoxicating feelings they experience during the honeymoon phase by continually challenging each other with new adventures and activities (Lewandowski, 2013). Consider taking turns planning surprise dates for each other and pushing each other outside of your respective comfort zones.

Using these strategies, along with seamlessly integrating all of your emotional intelligence skills into your daily interactions with your partner, will have you well on your way to mastering the art of relationship management.  

References

  • Bradberry, T., & Greaves, J. (2009). Emotional intelligence 2.0. TalentSmart.
  • Gottman, J. M., Gottman, J. S., Abrams, D. C., & Abrams, R. C. (2018). Eight dates: Essential conversations for a lifetime of love. Workman Publishing Company, Incorporated.
  • Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (Rev. ed.). Harmony.
  • Lewandowski, G. W. (2013, September 1). What physiological changes can explain the honeymoon phase of a relationship? Scientific American. Retrieved December 27, 2021, from https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/what-physiological-changes-can-explain-honeymoon-phase-relationship/