How Can I Communicate with People who Don't Share My Opinions?

By Jared Hawkins, Extension Assistant Professor

It may be a coworker who insists on doing a project their own way, a family member who brings up politics at the dinner table, or a partner who argues for a different parenting style. Some conversations just never seem to go well. While it may feel easier to avoid these topics altogether, some topics may need to be addressed. How do you have conversations about important hot-topic issues when both people see things so differently? 

In response to this question, I implemented a civil conversation assignment in my undergraduate communications classes that was originally developed by Dr. Nichole Morelock, a marriage and family therapy professor at Texas Tech University. After providing communication skills training, I instructed students to pair up and engage in a civil conversation about a controversial issue upon which they disagreed. After observing over one hundred of these conversations, I developed a list of the most effective tips that promote respectful and productive dialogue. 

Tips for communicating about different opinions

1. Remember the relationship. You are not only communicating ideas, but you are also constantly communicating the status of your relationship (Watzlawick, Beavin, & Jackson, 1967). When one person feels judged or unheard, the conversation will not go well, no matter how convincing you are. You can promote productive dialogue by communicating verbally and nonverbally that you respect them and their beliefs, even if you do not agree.
2. Regulate your emotions. If you sense yourself feeling frustrated or angry, take a moment before responding. Consider asking to take a few minutes to think about the topic before coming back and continuing the conversation.
3. Be both assertive and humble. If you agree with everything to avoid conflict, the other person will not learn from you. On the other hand, if you are not open to the possibility that you could be wrong or that someone has a different opinion, it becomes more difficult to learn from them.
4. Seek to understand their perspective through paraphrasing and checking for understanding. For example, an employee may say something like, “Ok, so you think coding the program in this way is most effective because it worked well for our last project. Am I understanding that right?” 
5. Find common ground and validate. As far apart as your opinions may seem, you can always find something you agree on. For example, even with different parenting styles, you can appreciate that both of you want your child to behave better. One way to establish common ground is to validate. For example, a parent can say something like, “I agree with your point that giving a time-out may not be working.” 
6. Identify the experiences and values underlying each of your beliefs. Particularly with gridlocked issues, learning about the life experiences and values that shape each of your beliefs can help you appreciate their stance and make sense of your differences. By considering these origins, my undergraduate students had insights, such as “Oh, it totally makes sense why you believe gun control should be reduced. Growing up with guns was such a big part of your upbringing.” 
7. Accept that the other person may not change their opinion, and that is okay. When you let go of the desire to change the other person, you free yourself to find ways to collaborate, rather than compete, and find solutions that work for each of you (Dingwall et al., 2018).

When my students used these civil communication tips, they almost inevitably reported having their eyes opened to new viewpoints and feeling closer to their classmates. By implementing these tips with your coworker, family member, partner, or others who have different opinions, you will be better equipped to have productive dialogue about seemingly irreconcilable issues.

References

• Dingwall, J. R., Labrie, C., McLennon, T., & Underwood, L. (2018). Conflict Resolution. Professional Communications. 
• Watzlawick, P., Beavin, J. H., & Jackson, D. D. (1967). Pragmatics of human communication: A study of interactional patterns, pathologies, and paradoxes (pp. 48-71). New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company.