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How Can a Couple Recover From Serious Disagreements and Past Indiscretions?

By Maren Voss, ScD, Professional Practice Extension Professor of Health and WellnessCouple sitting away from eachother on the couch

The first thing to know is that every relationship has its challenges. Let’s be honest, there is a reason the divorce rate is upwards of 50%, though it has been dropping in recent years1. This means there is hope. Experts advise a few necessary steps to emerge successfully from the wasteland of disputes and past grievances. The first step is to learn tools for managing conflict, the second,  dealing with baggage from past traumas, and finally, developing new and healthy relationship skills in order to move forward.2

Conflict resolution involves dealing with emotions, problem-solving, and different levels of persuasion.  Luckily, there isn’t a one-size-fits all approach to resolving disputes.  While validation is an amazing tool everyone should learn, even couples who tend toward volatile interaction styles or those who fall into avoidance strategies can have stable relationships.3 The big trouble comes for couples who become hostile, or those who combine hostility with detachment.  

It is not surprising to think that hostility and detachment can destroy good feelings in a relationship. That approach involves blaming and pulling away. Instead, if a disagreement can be seen as a couple problem, and if it is approached with a team effort, the couple can come together to resolve it no matter what personality styles are on board.  With the team approach, the baggage from the past trauma can be discussed and resolved on the pathway to healing and developing new, healthy bonding strategies.

Even big traumas and disruptions like addiction can lead to hope and healing for a relationship, as well as for the individuals involved. The big shift is in realizing that self-care and relationship-care are not mutually exclusive.2 More and more, treatment centers are recognizing that addiction is impacted by family systems and healing needs to occur in the family and couple relationship as well. 

The lessons learned from addiction recovery may apply equally to other types of trauma a couple may experience. Lesson number one, serious problems create serious challenges for relationships. This means it is completely normal to have a period of struggle and tension.  Second, remember to involve your partner early in the healing process. Don’t wait until the problem has passed to work on the relationship issues that may have cropped up.  Your partner can be a source of support and future conflicts can be avoided if relationship care enters the equation early. Finally, healing from the initial struggle (be it addiction, infidelity, or something else) isn’t the end of the road. The pathway forward needs to include positive bonding and relationship skills to cement the healing that has begun.

The short answer is yes, relationship recovery is possible, with a bit of teamwork. There is no reason to lose hope, even when life deals a crushing blow. 

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