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Healing the Wound of Resentment

By Eva Timothy, Professional Practice Extension Assistant Professor

Mother and Daughter in Conflict

Have you ever experienced feelings of frustration towards a family member because you perceive their actions as exploitative? Does a lack of boundaries make this behavior possible? Do you feel as though this person receives things they have not earned? Do you feel hurt or overlooked due to their behavior? If you can answer in the affirmative to these questions, you might be experiencing resentment.

Resentment in relationships could potentially be traced back to feeling we have been mistreated, neglected, or taken advantage of. As a result of such strong feelings, the positive emotions of love and trust can weaken (Casarella, 2022; Cleveland Clinic, 2022). Fremont-Smith (2022) explains that at the Gottman Institute, overcoming feelings of resentment requires developing an appreciation for the person we hold in contempt. Attempting to ignore our feelings or pretend to feel otherwise further complicates the healing process. Instead, it is recommended that we express the way we feel and the things that we desire to the person we feel resentment toward (Fremont-Smith, 2002). For examples of how to express feelings and desires, visit https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-change-your-own-contempt/.

As for steps you can take to regain love and trust in your relationship with your loved one, review some of the suggestions from Smith (2023) below.

  • Explore your expectations. Are you being realistic or fair in your expectations towards the person you feel resentment towards?
  • Acknowledge to yourself how you feel in a non-judgmental way. Resisting the temptation to avoid unpleasant feelings allows you to freely think about and determine healthier ways to manage your emotions and the situation.
  • Create healthy boundaries. If you find that specific topics are triggers, then let that guide you on what your boundaries should be.
  • Practice mindfulness. Being aware of how you are feeling and what you are thinking at the moment can help you to process situations where you may want to create boundaries.
  • Develop and practice conflict resolution skills. This involves learning to stay calm and control your emotions. Doing so will allow you to respond respectfully to the situation and peaceably express your feelings.
  • Practice forgiveness through empathy and reframing. Look at the situation from another viewpoint.
  • Explore whether or not you are ready to forgive by asking yourself the following questions-
  • Do you want to feel differently toward this person? 2) If you did feel differently toward this person, what would the relationship look like? 3) What would need to happen for you to feel differently toward this person?

Once you have gained the courage to address your concerns and feelings with your loved one, utilizing Gottman’s soft start-up method can lead to positive outcomes. Gottman’s research has shown that a conversation will end the same way it starts (Lisitsa, 2020). Therefore, reading through this article from The Gottman Institute can teach you how to successfully have this crucial conversation.

References