Friendships Outside Committed Relationships

By Eva Timothy, Professional Practice Extension Assistant Professor

From a young age, we naturally seek friendships and connections with those around us. As social beings, we rely on healthy relationships for support and to navigate life’s challenges. But what exactly do we gain from friendships? According to Abrams (2023), friendships improve mental, emotional, and physical health, extend life expectancy, provide support during tough times, and enhance social skills. With all these benefits, why should we be mindful of friendships in committed relationships? Can certain friendships harm intimacy? 

George et al. (2023) share that outside friendships can significantly impact relationship satisfaction, depending on the boundaries set and how these friendships are navigated. Furthermore, healthy relational boundaries and communication are essential in managing outside friendships for dating and married couples. Allow your significant other to get to know your friends, and then have open discussions about how those relationships are perceived. Does your significant other have any concerns about specific relationships? One concern that may arise is friendships with someone of the opposite gender. Sauter et al. (2022) explain that couples must discuss and align expectations regarding opposite-gender friendships for beneficial relationship outcomes. Clear communication about opposite-gender friendships is essential for building trust and preventing misunderstandings. Openly discussing feelings and perspectives on these friendships can help couples establish mutual boundaries that both partners respect. When these boundaries are clearly defined and honored, it reduces the likelihood of mistrust or suspicion and strengthens the relationship's foundation.

If you're in a serious relationship and have a friendship with someone of the opposite gender, do you need to end that friendship? It depends on the boundaries you and your partner establish and the dynamics with your friend. However, it's important to consider some key points, as outlined by a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, McIlwain (2021).

• Treat your bond with your partner as the most important relationship and protect it through intentional actions and boundaries.
• Prioritize your relationship with your partner by avoiding deep friendships with the opposite gender.
  • Consider how much time you spend with your opposite-gender pal and the types of conversations you have. 
  • Your partner should get more of your time and attention than your friend.
  • McIlwain (2021) states that your partner should know you better than anyone else. For example, is it your friend or partner who knows your current joys, disappointments, and struggles?
  • Communication, time, and sharing things that matter most to us build intimacy (McIlwain, 2021). So, who are you building intimacy with. Your partner or friend?
  • Occasionally checking in or having surface-level conversations are not likely to build intimacy with an opposite-gender friend. However, maintain clear boundaries in these relationships to avoid deep friendships. You could always involve your partner in these conversations with your friend as well.
• Be overly cautious in your interactions with someone of the opposite gender, as affairs can begin with innocent friendships.
  • Avoid being alone together
  • Avoid discussing private or intimate topics
  • Ask yourself, would I be comfortable with my partner interacting with someone of the opposite gender in this manner? If the answer is no, then forgo that behavior or topic of conversation.  
• Establish clear boundaries, as even the appearance of inappropriate relationships can damage trust.

Friendships are vital in life, offering many emotional, mental, and social benefits. However, in a committed relationship, it’s essential to be mindful of how these friendships, particularly with the opposite gender, might affect your partner. Setting clear boundaries and maintaining open communication can ensure that outside friendships don't harm the intimacy of your relationship. Prioritizing your significant other and mutually respecting established boundaries will help build trust and protect the relationship from misunderstandings or possible harm.

References

Abrams, Z. (2023b, June 1). The Science of Friendship. Monitor on Psychology. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/06/cover-story-science-friendship 

George, D., Saugh, D., Ridderhof, S., Unger, E., & Snyder, M. (2023). The impact of outside friendships on relational satisfaction for dating and married couples. Psychology & Psychological Research International Journal, 8(3), 1–16. https://doi.org/10.23880/pprij-16000350   

McIlwain, A. (2021, October 11). The rules of opposite Gender Friendships. Foundation Restoration. https://foundationrestoration.org/2012/07/the-rules-of-opposite-gender-friendships/. 

Sauter, J., Ganjour, O., Gouveia, R., & Widmer, E. D. (2022). The impact of friendship structures on marital quality of heterosexual couples. Personal Relationships, 29(4), 840–856. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12450