Five Ways to Help Your Children Navigate Divorce

By Taryn Wahlquist, Extension Assistant Professor

Although many people believe that divorce does lasting harm to children, there are many studies that suggest otherwise. Not only is there ample evidence that most children and families weather the storm of divorce without it negatively affecting their emotional wellbeing, there are proactive steps divorcing parents can take to protect their children from long-term negative consequences (Bonner et al, 2024).

If you are divorced or in the process of divorcing, here are five things you can do to support your children through this challenging life transition.

Foster a Sense of Security

While divorce may represent a positive and/or necessary change for the adults involved, for the kids, it can mean less time with one or both parents, transitioning between two homes, and disruptions to the schedules and routines they are used to. It’s a turbulent time, and they will look to you for reassurance that they are still loved, cared for, and protected. Clearly communicating custody plans, involving them in decision-making when appropriate (such as showing them new housing options and letting them express their preferences), and establishing new routines will go a long way in rebuilding their sense of security (Afifi & Hamrick, 2006).

Prioritize Your Parenting

Kids aren’t the only ones navigating a new reality. Your divorce may have come with grief and other challenging emotions, employment changes, new financial stresses, conflict over divorce agreements, and perhaps even a new address. It also brought new opportunities for positive experiences and relationships that may be exciting to you. In the midst of all this change, it’s important to keep your eye on parenting. Whatever your custody arrangement, you can and should offer warmth, emotional support, adequate supervision, and age-appropriate expectations and discipline (Kelly, 2003).

Encourage Social Activities

External social support is essential for all kids, but especially those experiencing the divorce of their parents. If your divorce required moving to a new community, this loss of the children’s existing social network can lead to increased stress and feelings of isolation. Encourage new social connections through participation in sports, clubs, and other hobbies and activities. Helping your kids maintain important family relationships is also supportive of their wellbeing (Bonner et al, 2024).

Emphasize Resilience

Don’t panic if your kids react to the news of your separation with fear, anxiety, anger, or shock. These are normal responses and are not indicators of long-term psychological impact. The world as they know it has been disrupted, and their sense of security threatened. No matter how carefully you break the news or navigate next steps, this is likely to be a painful experience for your children. But like all painful experiences, it is an opportunity to build resilience. You can support this growth process by validating their feelings, modeling and teaching calm emotional regulation, and encouraging small acts of agency (e.g., room setup, activity scheduling) to restore their sense of control (Wolchik et al, 2009).

Keep Your Kids Out of the Fight

The research is clear: exposing kids to continued parental conflict (whether before or after divorce) increases their risk for depression, anxiety, conduct problems, and poorer school performance (Barber & Demo, 2006). If conflict with your ex-partner is unavoidable, try not to expose kids to the conflict or make them feel caught in the middle. Avoid disparaging the other parent or treating your child as your confidant when feeling frustrated or distressed over the conflict (Afifi & Hamrick, 2006). Consider seeking resources such as individual therapy, support groups, or courses to help you navigate high-conflict relationships.

Conclusion

Divorce is challenging, but you and your kids can weather this storm. Remember that you are the captain of this ship and your kids will look to you to provide safety and security during these big changes. By establishing routines, encouraging social relationships, fostering resilience, and minimizing their exposure to conflict, you can help your kids learn the skills they need to become stronger and more adaptable adults. 

References

Afifi, T. D., & Hamrick, K. (2006). Communication processes that promote risk and resiliency in postdivorce families. In M. A. Fine & J. H. Harvey (Eds.), Handbook of divorce and relationship dissolution (pp. 435–456). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Barber, L. B., & Demo, D. H. (2006). The kids are alright (at least, most of them): Links between divorce and dissolution and child well-being. In M. A. Fine & J. H. Harvey (Eds.), Handbook of divorce and relationship dissolution (pp. 289–311). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Bonner, A.J., Smith, N.B., Torres, D.B., & Bradshaw, J.R. (2024). Are the kids alright? Helping children thrive through divorce using narrative therapy. The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 32(4), 573-579.

Kelly, J.B. (2003). Changing perspectives on children’s adjustment following divorce: A view from the United States. Childhood: A Global Journal of Child Research, 10(2), 237-254.

Wolchik S.A., Schenck C.E., & Sandler I.N. (2009). Promoting resilience in youth from divorced families: Lessons learned from experimental trials of the New Beginnings Program. Journal of Personality, 77(6), 1833-1868.