De-escalating Disagreements with Adult Children

By Jakob Fuhriman, Student Intern & Naomi Brower, Extension Professor

Some of the most treasured relationships that exist in families are relationships between parents and children. These can be the source of the greatest joys, but likewise the source of the greatest pains. Many may see other people’s family relationships full of love and support and think, “They really seem to get it.”

While this may be true for some, many may be surprised to learn that in past studies two-thirds of parents and adult children report conflict in their relationships. Even for the remaining one-third of parents and adult children who didn't report conflict, there are surely disagreements of one kind or another. While some disagreements may never be fully resolved, some major disagreements may need to be addressed to maintain healthy relationships. One example may include a parent disagreeing with their adult child’s choice of spouse, but keeping their resentment to themselves. Holding on to the negative feelings may result in passive aggressive statements or actions.

Disagreements and their corresponding reactions may lead to parents and their adult children feeling more distanced and less connected until an eventual estrangement happens and communication has been blocked (Clarke et al., 1999; Birditt et al., 2009).

How can I have more constructive disagreements?

According to relationship expert John Gottman, it is not about whether or not you have conflict or disagreements, but how you have them (Gottman & Silver, 2014). Consider these three important points that can help transform your disagreements into constructive conversations:

1. Make the goal of the conversation to understand one another. When you are about to engage in a disagreement, the first thing you should do is ask yourself - what is my goal? What am I trying to achieve? If you are trying to “win” then you are most likely doomed to have a damaging argument. On the other hand, if your aim is to understand and to be understood then you already have a much higher chance of having an intimacy-building discussion between you and your adult child.
2. Seek to understand first, then to be understood. While it is natural to want to be understood first, far better results will come from seeking to first understand them. This can take quite a bit of patience but it will be worth the effort.
3. Show respect and validate. Be sincere in your efforts to show you are trying to understand them, even if you disagree with their point of view. Ask open ended questions, reflect back what you are hearing them say in your own words to demonstrate you are listening, and acknowledge their feelings. Remember, your goal is to show respect and validate their perspective. As they feel respect from you, they will be more likely to listen and understand your perspective as well.

More Helpful Resources

For more information on making efforts to repair your relationship:
The Importance of Repair Attempts in Parent-Child Conflict

A powerful communications tool that can be adapted to parent child relationships:
The Speaker Listener Technique

Reference:

• Birditt, K. S., Miller, L. M., Fingerman, K. L., & Lefkowitz, E. S. (2009). Tensions in the parent and adult child relationship: Links to solidarity and ambivalence. Psychology and Aging, 24(2), 287–295. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0015196
• Clarke, E. J., Preston, M., Raksin, J., & Bengtson, V. L. (1999). Types of conflicts and tensions between older parents and adult children. The Gerontologist, 39(3), 261–270. https://doi.org/10.1093/geront/39.3.261
• Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2014). Why marriages succeed or fail. Bloomsbury Paperbacks.