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How to make date night happen with small children

By Eva Timothy, USU Extension Assistant Professor

Eva

Loss of Time & Money

In September 2018, my life drastically changed when specialists placed me in the maternity wing of my local hospital with no release date. To compound the strain this put on my relationship, my spouse was working full-time and going to school; for a month the only time I got to see him was on the weekends. I’m sure you can imagine how difficult dates in a hospital room might be. At 32 weeks gestation I entered an ultrasound room for my twice weekly routine of warm goop and a ball being rolled around my stomach for monitoring of a fetus growth restriction; 10 minutes later I was prepping for a c-section. Our daughter arrived weighing in at 2 lbs. 8 oz. and our little boy was 3 lbs. 12 oz., necessitating a NICU stay for both. The delivery was over, now my spouse and I could get back to enjoying date nights, right? Little did I know how hard that would be.

Before children arrive, there is more money, time, and energy for courtship. Throughout the juggling act of parenting some find intimate connections frequency diminished. For my spouse and I parenting, lack of sleep, medical debt, feeding difficulties, sleep regressions, and limited funds for dates, left us with only two resources for meaningful connections: creativity and an understanding of the other’s love language. Together my spouse and I played card games we enjoyed, asked would you rather questions, had picnics in our living room or front lawn, and above all we talked to each other about how we were feeling stressed or disconnected. We worked on listening and sympathizing. This doesn’t mean we perfected compassionate listening. Sometimes listening and not ‘fixing’ was challenging. Additionally, at the beginning of our relationship we had talked to one another about our love languages. I feel most loved and connected when I get quality time with someone. That meant that my husband had to sacrifice his television time-that was how he handled the stress of our lives-to just hold me and listen as I cried or talked. My husband appreciates positive praise and physical touch. So, I made it a point to thank him for his hard work as a provider, for things he did around our home, or holding his hand. Lastly, we used our support system. Family and friends watched our twins as we took the time to leave our home to use gift cards we had been given. Focusing on connecting made a big difference during a challenging period of our marriage.

Thrifty Inventive Dating

Dating is all about connecting with another person. If you want to find ways to stay connected with your partner while parenting on minimal funds, consider this:

  • Put the phone down and back away from the technology. Internet usage can interfere with intimate relationships when it frequently detracts emotional attention from your significant other. A date with your partner can be as simple as having one-on-one interactions with no distractions (Murray, 2020)
  • The internet isn’t all bad. Learn something new together while following along with a “How-To” video online. Participating in exciting activities can improve how you feel about your marriage (Aron, et al, 2000).
  • Explore The 5 Love Languages to learn what causes your partner to feel loved.
  • Do something outside that you both enjoy for at least 2 hours a week. This benefits your mind, body & relationship (Robins, 2020).
  • What about a babysitter? Why not use your personal support system? You could swap sitting nights with a friend or family member who also has children. Using your support system not only increases overall well-being but helps keep some money in your pocket for future dates.

References