Coping with a Break-Up

By Marisa Davis, student intern, & Naomi Brower, Extension Professor

Break-ups can hurt. It doesn’t matter if you were the one that initiated the split or the one that was told the relationship wasn’t going to work anymore. Either way, something and someone that you once cared about, dedicated time to, and sacrificed for, is no longer a part of your life. 

One of the reasons break-ups hurt so badly is because they create the emotion of grief (Pattemore, 2022). Grief occurs when we experience a loss, have a transition or change in circumstances, or when someone we previously relied on is no longer there for support (Friedman, 2019). In the case of a break-up, a relationship that was an important part of your life is gone, so you miss the previous state of life where that relationship still existed. 

Coping with grief is a process. While psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (2014) listed the stages of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, these stages don’t necessarily occur in that order. The grief process takes a different amount of time for different people to work through and with different experiences of loss.

Consider some of the following coping strategies to help you as you are processing grief because of a break-up (Bloise et al., 2016; Mental Health America, n.d.; Pattemore, 2022).

• Practice mindfulness. Focus on the present, meditate or try yoga movements. 
• Express your emotions. Talk with a trusted person, write your feelings down, or meditate on your feelings. 
• Self-care. Focus on getting enough sleep, exercising, stretching, and engaging in other self-care behaviors. 
• Grounding techniques. Choose one of your senses and focus on it (like focusing on what you can smell or touch).
• Plan for happiness. Make some new memories and engage in the activities that bring you joy.
• Aim for acceptance. When we can accept our new reality of life without the old relationship, we can better cope with our break-up and begin finding joy again.

Sometimes, even after trying many coping strategies, feelings of heartache may persist or return. This doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you or that you have regressed. Your feelings of grief are valid. With time, the wounds can heal. If these feelings persist and are causing significant distress, such as preventing you from coping with daily struggles, that may be a good time to seek help from a certified therapist (for example, see www.psychologytoday.com/us).

Coping with feelings of grief can be difficult and can take time. Although you may not feel it at first, there is hope. Practice being gentle with yourself and use coping strategies that work for you. In time, you will be able to feel more comfortable without your previous partner and feel peace.

References:

Bloise, P. V. Andrade, M. C. Machado, H., & Andreoli, S. B. (2016). Increasing awareness and acceptance through mindfulness and somatic education movements. Advances in Mind-Body Medicine, 30(4), 4-7. PMID: 27925606

Friedman, R. (2019, December 17). The best grief definition you will find. The Grief Recovery Method. https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/blog/2013/06/best-grief-definition-you-will-find

Mental Health America. (n.d.). How do I stay grounded in reality? Mental Health America. https://screening.mhanational.org/content/how-do-i-stay-grounded-in-reality/?layout=actions_g

Moeller, S. (2017, January 17). The stages of grief - acceptance. The Grief Recovery Method. https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/blog/2017/01/stages-grief-acceptance

Pattemore, C. (2022, October 14). How to grieve a relationship ending. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/relationships/coping-with-the-end-of-a-relationship

Ross, E. K. (2014). On Death and Dying: What the dying have to teach doctors, nurses, clergy and their own families.