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Take the Survey »Can people really change and how does that affect your relationship?
By Cindy Jenkins, Extension Assistant Professor
Most of us on occasion have struggled with partner differences, which makes it no surprise that wanting a partner to change is common for most relationships. These could be small changes or feel massive like something that could potentially lead to separation or divorce. With this in mind, let’s find out what Cloutier & Peetz (2016) says about relationship satisfaction levels based on how much a person might want their partner to change.
- Wanting partner to change, but not oneself: It can create a sense of imbalance and unfairness if one person expects the other to change without being willing to change themselves.
- Wanting both oneself and partner to change: It seems like when both partners are open to change, even if one is more proactive about it, the relationship can still be fulfilling.
- Unequal expectations of change: When one person expects more change from their partner than they expect from themselves, it tends to lower relationship quality. This could be due to feelings of unfairness or imbalance in the relationship dynamic.
Surprised? These scenarios play out in many ways and some of it may relate to self-esteem. Sciangula and Morry (2009) found that those with lower self-esteem often feel insecure about how their partner feels about them and those with high self-esteem tend to feel like their partner really likes them. If this rings true to you, you might try working on your self-esteem to help with your relationship.
When considering how much your partner can change, Dr. John Gottman says, “People can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted the way they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, and unappreciated they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves.” According to these experts (Gaspard, 2024), change starts with you so it may help to consider any unhealthy patterns you may have which could be contributing to the conflicts at hand. This is one of the first steps in creating healthy change in your relationship.
References:
Cloutier, A., & Peetz, J. (2016). People, they are a changin’: the links between anticipating change and romantic relationship quality. Sage Journals,34(5).https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407516652967#:~:text=Abstract,linked%20to%20better%20relationship%20quality.
Gaspard, T., & Gaspard, T. (2024, March 5). Be the Change You Wish to See in Your Relationship. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/be-the-change-you-wish-to-see-in-yourrelationship/#:~:text=In%20The%20Seven%20Principles%20for,dig%20in%20to%20protect%20themselves.%E2%80%9D
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven Principles for Making Marriage work.http://ci.nii.ac.jp/ncid/BB05926466
Sciangula, A., & Morry, M. M. (2009). Self-Esteem and perceived regard: How I see myself affects my relationship satisfaction. The Journal of Social Psychology, 149(2), 143–158. https://doi.org/10.3200/socp.149.2.143-158