Please give us feedback on one of our weekly question and answer articles. We value your time so the evaluation will only take 3 minutes or less, we promise!
Take the Survey »Why is blending so difficult for blended families?
By Jonathan Swinton, USU Extension Assistant Professor
Response:
One in three people live in blended families. Though I am not a fan of labeling blended families, the term can highlight the unique challenge of finding tolerable ways to blend the lives, experiences, expectations, and dreams of all involved. If you are part of a blended family, does it feel like oil and water? How do you blend? I have combined my experience assisting blended families and the work of nationally acclaimed blended family expert, Dr. Patricia Papernow, to highlight many of the common struggles and potential solutions that may help blended families blend:
Child challenges: Divorce and/or blending new families can be very difficult for children to navigate. The greatest struggle children face is dealing with the loss of the family they once had or hoped to have and finding ways of maintaining loyalties in the new family setup. A child may love both parents but may feel uncomfortable ever vocalizing that with either parent. It is worse if the parents and/or stepparents don't get along and the kids are involved as pawns in their disagreements.
Parenting challenges: Parenting in stepfamilies typically involves a couple who is joining in the middle of established methods of parenting. Parenting styles include a mix of firmness/permissiveness and kindness/hostility. If one parent is more permissive and kinder while the other is firmer and more hostile, problems will result.
Couple relationship challenges: When couples get married and create a new blended family, they are often a bit older than what we typically call newlyweds. They come into the new relationship with more experience, opinions, traditions, expectations, and established ways of living their lives. It is often difficult to align these realities and still feel love for one another.
Tips/Ways to Help
Child solutions: As a parent and/or stepparent, the best thing you can do is focus on getting along with all the adults involved. You don't have to love each other but keep the kids out of it.
Parenting solutions: Try your best to align your parenting styles and reach compromises. The other parenting challenge that often surfaces is children responding differently to discipline from parents and stepparents. Children will generally respond better to discipline from their parents than their stepparents. The parents should be the ones to deal with tough discipline issues. Day-to-day issues should be dealt with by both parents and stepparents, so the kids know all adults are to be respected. Make sure you are 100% consistent with each other on the day-to-day issues.
Couple Relationship solutions: Compromise is key. If either of you get your way, then the other doesn't. Is that what you want?
Blending families can be complicated. However, when blended families are created, they can be just what everyone involved wants and needs. If you focus on compromise and selflessness your blended family can be wonderful.
Additional Resources
References
- Bonnell, K. S., & Papernow, P. L. (2019). The stepfamily handbook: From dating, to getting serious, to forming a "blended family". Kirkland, WA: CMC Publishers.
- Papernow, P. L. (2013) Surviving and thriving in stepfamily relationships: What works and what doesn’t. New York, NY: Routledge.