Beyond Labels: What Good Parenting Really Comes Down To

By Taryn Wahlquist, Extension Assistant Professor, and Brooklyn Spjut, Student Intern

Do you ever wonder what kind of parent you are? The internet can offer you plenty of options: tiger, gentle, lawnmower, helicopter, elephant, lighthouse, free-range, etc. Or you can look to academia: developmental psychologists have been using terms like authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive since Diana Baumrind first introduced them in 1966.

Sorting ourselves into categories like this can help us create certainty in confusing and uncertain situations (Growiec & Szumowska, 2026). After all, is there anything more confusing and uncertain than being responsible for the growth and development of another human being?

Locating our parenting preferences or aspirations in a particular style can be both empowering and comforting. “Look!” we might say. “There are others like me!” We might even think, “Oh, thank goodness. I’m getting it right.” Learning about different parenting styles offers templates we can adopt or discard according to our own values and circumstances. Finding a template that resonates with us, and a potential community of like-minded parents, can be reassuring.

What happens, though, when you get new information that challenges the template you adopted? Or your kids’ needs change and your previous template no longer fits? Or you can’t quite find yourself in any of the available options, even though you want more than anything to be a good parent?

First, a bit of good news: The fact that you’re engaged in the inquiry about what good parenting looks like is a positive sign. Research suggests that parents who are self-reflective and willing to evaluate their parenting may be more responsive and effective parents (Stuhrmann et al., 2022).

Second, it might be helpful to consider that nearly every parenting label attempts to address the balance between two primary parenting qualities: demandingness (expectations) and responsiveness (support). Some approaches heavily value one quality over the other, and while certain situations or stages of child development may lend themselves more naturally to one particular quality (Smetana, 2017), decades of research tell us that, on the whole, parenting that balances high expectations with high support generally leads to the best outcomes for kids.

Regardless of the label, kids who are raised by parents who set high, reasonable expectations and provide warm, responsive guidance when expectations aren’t met (Murace et al., 2020) are more likely to:

• Have higher confidence, responsibility, and self-regulation skills (Sanvictores & Mendez, 2022).
• Show improved social outcomes and emotional well-being (Sanvictores & Mendez, 2022).
• Demonstrate higher levels of openness to experience, conscientiousness, agreeableness, and extraversion (Tehrani et al., 2024).

What does this look like in practice? Here are some things you can try to recalibrate that balancing act between expectations and support in your family:

1. Listen. As the parent, you’re responsible for establishing rules and structures that align with your values and keep your kids safe, but you can still give them an opportunity to talk through those decisions. They won’t always get a vote, but you can make sure they have a voice (Kennedy, n.d.).
2. Know what your kids are doing. Giving your kids a list of off-limits behaviors isn’t going to automatically keep them from engaging in those behaviors. No matter their age, they’re more likely to make good choices when they know you’re paying attention. Ask your kids where they are, what they’re doing, and who they’re with. Have conversations about media use and pay attention to how they’re spending time online. Teens whose parents actively monitor their activities are less likely to have sex at an early age, drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, be physically aggressive, or skip school (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2024).
3. Teach responsibility. Children aren’t born responsible. They learn responsibility over time, usually after many instances of leaving their homework at home or failing to pack a toothbrush for vacation. Help them learn by offering age-appropriate opportunities to develop those skills. Preparing for a family trip? Give your child a packing list and let them collect the items and select their own outfits (Morin, 2020). Getting the house ready for guests? Make a to-do list together and have them pick three things from the list to be responsible for. They’ll make mistakes, of course, but with support and guidance they’ll gradually grow into independent, competent adults.

The bottom line is that you don’t need the “right” label for your parenting, and you don’t have to stay stuck with a label you once loved. Each so-called parenting style has champions and critics, as well as virtues and limitations. Consider instead how expectations and support play out in your home. Are you setting high, yet reasonable, standards your kids can rise to meet? Are you providing the warmth and support they need to get there, or to keep trying when they don’t? What small changes can you make to bring your demandingness and your responsiveness into greater balance? That’s the place to start.  

References

Baumrind, D. (1966). Effects of authoritative parental control on child behavior. Child Development, 37(4), 887-907. https://doi.org/10.2307/1126611

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024, November 22). Parental monitoring. Healthy Youth Parent Resources. https://www.cdc.gov/healthy-youth-parent-resources/positive-parental-practices/parental-monitoring.html

Growiec, K., & Szumowska, E. (2026). Need for cognitive closure predicts preference for similar others and reduced diversity in social networks. Scientific Reports, 16, 5582.   https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-026-36288-6

Kennedy, B. (n.d.). Gentle vs firm parenting: Have you overcorrected? Good Inside. https://www.goodinside.com/blog/gentle-vs-firm-parenting/

Murace, J. A., Ruiz, W., Laff, R., Thompson, R., Lang, D. (2020). Baumrind’s Parenting Styles. Iowa State University Digital Press. https://iastate.pressbooks.pub/parentingfamilydiversity/chapter/chapter-1-2/

Sanvictores, T., & Mendez, M. D. (2022). Types of Parenting and Effects on Children. National Library of Medicine. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK568743/

Smetana, J. G. (2017). Current research on parenting styles, dimensions, and beliefs. Current Opinion in Psychology, 15, 19-25. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2017.02.012

Stuhrmann, L. Y., Göbel, A., Bindt, C., & Mudra, S. (2022). Parental reflective functioning and its association with parenting behaviors in infancy and early childhood: A systematic review. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, Article 765312. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.765312

Tehrani, H. D., Yamini, S., & Vazsonyi, A. T. (2024). Parenting styles and Big Five personality traits among adolescents: A meta-analysis. Personality and Individual Differences, 216, Article 112421. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2023.112421