018: Relationship Resolutions
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Dave Schramm 00:04
On today's episode, Liz and I talk all about relationship resolutions and starting off the new year committed to intentionally trying new things to strengthen your relationship connection. From managing differences to fidelity with finances, we offer all kinds of small and simple things you can try in your own marriage to strengthen your marriage connection in 2023. We hope you enjoy the show.
Dave Schramm 00:32
Hey friends, Happy New Year. Welcome to another episode of the stronger marriage connection. The doctors are in. I'm Dr. Dave here at Utah State University alongside Dr. Liz Hale, our clinical psychologist. Our mission, our aim is really to bring you the best resources and research, some tips and some tools, to help you have the marriage of your dreams. Liz, Happy New Year my friend, how are you?
Liz Hale 00:56
Happy New Year Dave, and to all of our listeners here on the stronger marriage connection. 2023. How about that? It's always that time of year when some people make New Year's resolutions in their life. Did you notice that I said some people? I'm speaking of myself, quite honestly. My favorite New Year's resolution, you want to guess what it is? Every year I make the same resolution. Any guesses?
Dave Schramm 01:24
Is it to make no more resolutions?
Liz Hale 01:26
Yes, you know me so well. It's to not make any New Year's resolutions. And that kind of sounds a little bit like I'm no fun and not hopeful. But actually I do love new beginnings. I love the beginning of a new year, I love the beginning of a new month, a new week, a new day, even a new moment. It's a perfect time for a "do over" at any particular time. I'm always striving to try to do things better. But a New Year's resolution for me just feels kind of heavy. And I know you looked this up Dave, and some research suggested, that only about 23% of survey participants planned on making new year's resolution this year and only 6 to 9% actually keep them. I would be in that 6 to 9% my friend.
Dave Schramm 02:12
Yeah and I think a lot of other people are as well. We struggle with resolution. So I thought today, we could talk about how we can maybe increase that number if we focused specifically on relationship resolutions or things that we can do, or at least aim to do a little bit better. Maybe it's a little less of something this year, a little bit more of something this year. All right, but before I wanted to quiz Liz today on a few things related to relationship resolution. So Liz, in your mind, what do you think are some of the most common new year's resolutions that people make?
Liz Hale 02:51
One I always hear from family and friends, even my own sweet husband, says "Liz at the beginning of the year..." Right? Because he's not going to start on December 1, he's gonna start at the beginning of the year. He says, "I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to be more more strategic and more serious about it." So that's probably the number one resolution, I would guess, "lose weight".
Dave Schramm 03:09
You are right. It is health. It's "I want to eat better. I want to lose weight. I'm gonna hit the gym again." Gym passes, the sales go skyrocketing for two weeks.
Liz Hale 03:19
Yeah, I've been there, I've done that. So I'm not criticizing anybody.
Dave Schramm 03:26
Yep. But what do you think are some other top resolutions that people make that maybe they don't neccessarily keep? What are some popular ones?
Liz Hale 03:34
Well, I'm not quite sure. Maybe it's going back to school. Gosh, I don't know what else besides diet and exercise.
Dave Schramm 03:46
Yeah those are some big ones actually - education, going back to school. That one's down low on the list but number two, depending on which survey you're looking at, is money - getting out of debt, less spending, getting on a budget. I think that's super helpful because many people go into debt around Christmas time. There's lots of celebration around the holidays and people go into debt.
Liz Hale 04:10
And that sheer panic, right? That sheer panic that follows when we go a little too crazy sometimes. It's easy to go outside your budget during the holidays, you just kind of get that momentum built with all the sales and the happiness and wanting to spread joy and to be generous. I understand that.
Dave Schramm 04:27
Which is all good and important. The adrenaline gets going but yeah, I'd be able to then realistically think "okay, we need to get back on a budget". That's pretty common. But number three, on some lists, is improving relationships - more family time, growing closer as a family and to extended family and in couple relationships. So I thought that we would spend some time talking about relationship resolutions. Interestingly, though, another common resolution is to spend less time on social media. A decade ago that one didn't really hit, but now in one survey 21% of people had this new year resolution.
Liz Hale 05:08
I think that's so helpful. That's so encouraging, isn't it?
Dave Schramm 05:11
I think so too.
Liz Hale 05:13
I've gotta tell you, I have a love-hate relationship with my phone. It's so crazy. I want to leave it behind sometimes. And then I'm always regretful when I leave it behind. You know, because I lose my husband Ben in the store and I can't find him. Or I can't check on something real quick. Have I heard from Dave about the next podcast? I always regret not having it, but I just struggle with it. Do you feel the same way?
Dave Schramm 05:37
I do. I'm going to just gonna be honest, I do. It's with me all the time. And when I'm sleeping it's just sitting on my bedside. It's the first thing I'm looking at when I wake up. So I think that's a good resolution. We talked about technoference with Brendon McDaniel in a previous episode. So if our listeners have not listened to that one on technoference, and you're thinking, "I need to spend less time on social media", go listen to that.
Liz Hale 05:59
Maybe I need to categorize, I don't know, I don't know what to do about that phone. But I myself am going to be working on that in 2023. Maybe not a new years resolution, but it's going to be a concerted effort for me because I realize how often I am on that darn thing. Clients will text me, right? I have a class I take and those notes are on that phone and those relationships. It just goes on and on.
Dave Schramm 06:24
Yeah, it's about balance. Alright Liz let's do this. Let's dive a little bit deeper into some specific things, some relationship resolutions. I think we have some ideas that each of us would like to share and talk about on today's episode.
Liz Hale 06:41
Well, I think of a segment we did on the power of regrets. I love that segment. I think Daniel Pink was just brilliant in writing that. Looking backward, helps us move forward. A precursor to considering a new year relationship resolution is to examine our all year relationship regrets, and I think we all have them. I certainly do. What are your relationship regrets of 2022? Dear friends, here on stronger marriage connection, try and list your three relationship regrets of last year. Do you regret not having as much fun together as a couple? Or maybe there's some bigger regrets, like getting into unwanted unwarranted financial debt or disconnecting from one or the other's family members or making a poor personal decision that left your partner feeling betrayed and devastated. Regrets are not the end of the world. We don't want to have no regrets, because regrets teach us what we value the most. So perhaps a relationship resolution for 2023 would be to be more hopeful in our relationship. Whatever we focus on grows, so we're going to remove the word divorce, let's say, from our hard conversations. I may feel like leaving, but I'm not going to. There are some areas we can draw a line in the sand and maintain a firm resolve, removing the threat of divorce, I think is one of them. There are some things even as mere mortal humans that we can be pretty darn near perfect in and I think not uttering that D word, divorce, would be one of them. Would you agree?
Dave Schramm 08:17
Yes, and we're talking about healthy relationships. Right? If there's severe abuse, we talked about that in the past, things may be different. But assuming that two people want to work on things, let's just eliminate that. I think that's a great idea. Let's say "hey, we're committed, let's stay in this, let's stay loyal and true."
Liz Hale 08:34
And isn't that the difference? I think we've learned that in our podcasts these last six months, is that it's all about commitment. When somebody's all the way in, it takes two people being all the way in or that option is not even an option.
Dave Schramm 08:45
Yeah, absolutely. I love that concept of that "all in marriage" that "all in relationship". So we both are big John Gottman fans and he's written a book called Eight Dates where he talks about these essential conversations for a lifetime of love. Our hope today is that at least one of these important topics may motivate you and your partner or spouse in 2023, and ultimately these are focused on helping you develop a stronger marriage connection. So here we go with a few more relationship resolutions to think about. At the top of the list is to include fun and adventure. I just think that this is so important in relationships because it's going to vary from couple to couple. There's going to be personality, there's going to be preferences, whether we like or don't like to go camping and be outdoors and all that. Finding something that you enjoy doing, it could be going to a play. My parents, for example, they're older but they decided in their retirement years to buy a razor, one of those little side-by-sides and they have this little razor gang and they go up in the mountains and look all across Utah and just enjoy getting out when the weather is good. They get out and they do things with this group of friends. I have a sister, a recent empty nester, and her and her husband, they live in Idaho, and they just have these intentional getaways. They plan little trips, or maybe he has a work trip and she goes along. They have a boat and they do fun, enjoyable things. So whatever stage of life that you are in, if you're newlywed or retired or empty nesting. Make that intentional "we're going to get out, we're going to do more things together". My wife and I, for example, we plan what's called a "getaway after the holiday". It's a lot of stress, a lot of craziness. So it's just a little weekend where it's just us after things calm down, and we go in January. So I think that's really important - more date nights, more intentional date nights, more planning and having fun and adventure. What do you think?
Liz Hale 10:57
I think that's very cool. This category of fun and adventure is really interesting. When doctors John and Julie Gottman talk about it they say that this is the one category that couples forget about the most probably earlier on. Maybe the biggest complaint of all those principles and the eight dates, it's this one that suffers the most, that we neglect, and that could also renew us the most as well. I have this thought, if I were to have any kind of resolution for the new year it really is to bring fun into the ordinary. I think fun is an attitude. I don't think I'm all that fun. I don't really think I'm this goddess of fun and light as much as I'd like to be. A friend of mine often coins that term Laura Doyle, I love that. So I want to bring a little bit more lightness and fun, even when we go to Home Depot. You know, I might run an errand with my husband, or we're going to Costco. I just think wherever I could go I could be a little lighter, a little more fun. That's my goal.
Dave Schramm 11:58
Yeah Liz, I like that. I think that's a great attitude. I don't think it has to be "we're gonna go on a cruise". Those things are fun but it can just be "we're gonna go on a cruise to Home Depot or to Lowes".
Liz Hale 12:09
That would be good for people who go on cruises and travel, right? The big things are cool. But the day in and day out, we forget to dance in the kitchen, we forget to turn up that music. And do little terms of affection and a little slap on the tush here and there. You know, it's just we're grateful to be alive. And I think we need to put fun in everyday life. Finding the function, not the dysfunction.
Dave Schramm 12:37
I do love that. So if this resonates with you, our listeners right now, then it's about intentionalitiy. Sit down, talk about it, plan it. And yeah, it can be busy if you got kids and you're going here on Tuesday nights and there on Thursday nights and running around but make time for just the two of you. Another area that can strengthen couple connection, I like to call it the small and simple things. I believe in what I call the "law of least effort". In relationships after we do so much courting and in the beginning of relationships when things are fun and exciting. And then we, in my mind, tend to slide into this "law of least effort" where it's just enough to kind of get by. If I can just give a minimal effort in our relationship just to kind of keep things going. And I know that's hard because I think all of us slide into that. So I'm a bigger fan of what I call the "law of little things". I'm going to suggest that a couple of little things for our listeners to consider as a relationship resolution. Perhaps one is going to bed at the same time. I know people have their interests, maybe one stays up later or goes downstairs and watches this or that or one's watching the news and the other one is out on their computer or on their phone. There's something about going to bed at the same time. Maybe you're not going to sleep at the same time but you're in there together, you're checking in. Put the phones down for a minute, just talk about your day for a few minutes. I think that's an important one. So if that resonates with our listeners, try that. Going to bed, getting ready for bed, talking while you're brushing your teeth. You're just connecting at the end of the day. And part of that I think is maybe unplugging. We talked about that and our need to unplug a little bit more often. But that takes intentionality. Like when I'm at the table I'm going to put my phone down and I'm going to talk and engage.
Liz Hale 14:33
Going to bed at the same time is such a great concept when it works. Yet for so many couples it doesn't. Our schedules are off, we're late night owls or early morning Molly's or whatever you want to say. My husband are a little bit like that. So I think sometimes we have to try even a little bit harder to make that connection at the end of the day, to make sure that we say good night, that we kiss, that we hug, that we talk about matters of the next day and what's going on. So make some connection. Maybe you can cuddle and lay down a little bit together then the other person gets up and finishes their movie or their book. I think it's just the matter of taking the time to make the the little things happen, those small connections. I think couples and families really can benefit from eating meals together. And that's not always easy. Families are really busy in this day and age so perhaps that is on the weekends. If so, make it a real concerted effort that those are the meals we're really going to all be together. But if it is just the two of you, as couples and empty nesters, I think it is crucial to try to find time to eat together and to sit down. Even if we're off, I come home late sometimes and my husband Ben will at least sit down and visit with me while I eat. He ate much earlier in the night but it's nice just to even have that connection over a meal. Whether both of you are eating or just one of us eating. Exercising as a couple I think can be so fun. That doesn't necessarily work in my relationship. I like to do different things than my husband does. But I was working with a couple recently and they were on this great routine of 4 AM workouts. And then something happened at the gym, but the husband kept going and she joined a new gym, which he didn't like nearly as much. But together in the session she was saying "I really miss working out with you. I thought we did better, we could motivate each other. It was fun to look across the room and see you even though we didn't do the same routines, I could see you and wave." And when they left she was really thinking of going back to the gym. And I just think that is wonderful. Sometimes I'll say to my husband, "will you walk me today?" Sounds like an animal, right? But will you walk with me because sometimes I'm not motivated to get out and do it. And I always love when he's willing to help me get out and walk. Sometimes I need that push myself.
Dave Schramm 17:08
Yeah, that's great Liz. I want to comment on a couple of things that you said. One is, some of these are not going to work for some people or they may need to twist one way or another so it does fit. It could be going for a walk or sometimes my wife will just say "hey come to the store, I just have some returns to do." And I'm like, "why would I want to do that?" But then I think "oh, it's not about the returns." For her it's about being in the car and talking and connecting. Yeah, more intentional. We'll be right back after this brief message.
Dave Schramm 17:50
And we're back. Let's dive right in. Part of what we're talking about today is really awareness - this intentional awareness. The scholars call it attunement. We can attune with the other person so we're all on the same page. That is what we're talking about in order to make these things work. It's this intentionality of sitting down and say, "hey, let's go to the gym or let's play pickleball or should we go for a walk or just go for a drive and ice cream?" It's this intentionality? So I think that's a big part of this. I'd like to talk about another concept called celebrating the small wins and sharing the good news. And part of that attunement is just being aware of what's going on in our partner's life. What do they have going on that day? Checking in - even if it's a text. Maybe they have something at work that has happened. Maybe they've got a promotion. Just being able to celebrate the good part of the day. In the Schramm family, one of the things that we do before we go to bed is we share a happy thought. I share one, my wife shares one, even the kids. Just the best part of the day. And I think that being able to be in tune and checking what made them happy that day. What are they willing to celebrate? I think it's an important piece. Part of that is just this checking in. I'm a big fan of checking in. My wife is great with that. She'll just send me a little text that says "Hey, love you so much. Have a great day". Just this morning I left her a little sticky note. She's coming home from the gym and I had some meeting so I left her a little sticky note where I knew that she would see it. But it's those small little things. Yeah, over and over I think those are deposits in that relationship account.
Liz Hale 19:32
You said such a good point. I feel like couples get very discouraged when they come in. I often hear this "are we the worst couple you've ever met? Aren't we just like the worst?" That can feel very self conscious and it's so vulnerable. But there's no greater honor than the day when someone comes in and trusts you with that level of intimacy. Maybe some of the deepest secrets they don't want anyone to know. And I think it's so encouraging to say, let's just start with some small things. Let's even start with please and thank you. Let's just start with the simple kindnesses of life again. And it's interesting how those small things start to build and make a huge difference. I think you're spot on - small things often. Some of that can be expressing more gratitude, regularly in different ways. I have a friend who says "drop and give me 10". And she's talking about 10 gratitudes. When she gets irritated with her husband, she stops and thinks about 10 things she's grateful for about him. And then she tells him, what they are. This is a wonderful antidote for discouragement. Whatever we focus on grows. More random acts of kindness. Compassion is certainly the lifeblood of relationships. And it's interesting that when we change our behavior, our feelings follow. Or when I change my languaging my own inner ear is always eavesdropping. So when I try to come across kinder than my heart feels, I start to soften my heart. Because then I like the sound of my voice. It's like "Oh, I really do feel that way towards him." And it does change within ourselves with more expressions of affection and love. I don't think we can ever touch too much - certainly wanted touch. I do remember, it wasn't necessarily a New Year's resolution, because as you know, I'm a little opposed to new year's resolutions. But I did make a concerted effort this past year to say yes more often. Not just in physical intimacy. But say yes. When my husband would say, "Do you want to go with me to run an errand or Home Depot?" Or "Will you go with me to my sister's house?" I really tried to say yes a lot more. Even if I'm in my house shoes. Yes. Let's go. Let's go to the neighbor's house. Let's go drop those things off. It feels better because I can get stubborn.
Dave Schramm 21:57
Yeah, love that Liz. I think we all can. So I think our listeners are thinking "if I could just tweak some of these small things". I don't counsel, people come to me for counsel. But I once counselled a couple - I hear you often just saying each other's names. Like Mark or Mary. What about changing that up to a term of endearment like hey, honey or hey, babe or those types of things because sometimes the nitpicking, the nagging, and their name. No one else calls them honey or babe but they might call him Mark or Mary. So I think that's just something that couples can do, whatever those little terms are. I think it's important. I like how you mentioned random acts of kindness, Liz. I think sometimes, just maybe in the morning, if we can take 60 seconds and just pause and be still for a second and just ask, "what can I do for my partner today?" And then there'll be a thought, something will come. I remember actually doing this and a thought came in - go scrape my wife's windshield, because at the time we didn't have a garage and I knew that she had an appointment. I'm gonna go start the car for her. I'm gonna go and I'm gonna scrape the windshield and get the snow off. It's those types of little things. We're not thinking about us. We're thinking about them. The small little random acts of kindness go a long way.
Liz Hale 23:22
What can I do today to make my partner's life more worth living? Then do that thing. I think that's brilliant. What you had just said before that caught my attention as well.
Dave Schramm 23:38
The terms of endearment
Liz Hale 23:42
Yeah, so I wanted to ask you - do you have a favorite term of endearment that your wife calls you?
Dave Schramm 23:52
It's always been honey. Once in a while it's "hey, babe, should we go run this?" But it's almost so natural now that I don't even consciously think about it because I rarely call her by her first name.
Liz Hale 24:10
I love it. Maybe we need to let each other know, let our partners know what we'd like best. Sometimes we just don't even say anything. But I know that I'm in good shape with my husband when he calls me Lizzie girl. I don't know why I just love that. Lizzy is kind of a family name that my close family members call me but when he says Lizzie girl I don't know why, I just love that. It just melts me. So I always encourage couples to find those terms of endearment. Let each other know what you really value and kind of enjoy that. I don't mind my name either. But I love the others. So let's switch gears my friend and talk about another category which is so crucial. It's conflict management. You know, we're never going to be conflict free because that's not life. You know as the Gottman's say, nearly almost 70% of our conflicts are perpetual. In other words, we're not going to resolve them, we're going to just find better ways to manage them that don't create damage, that keep us feeling respectful.
Dave Schramm 25:12
Yes, I think that this one's huge because it kind of makes or breaks a lot of relationships. And we get into these cycles, honestly. So if you're thinking "for my relationship resolution I'm gonna do better at this", here's a few tips. And I'd love to hear your thoughts, Liz. One is becoming less reactive and more responsive. When I do lectures, and I speak on this, I talk about not becoming a nuclear reactor and being more of a first responder - being able to respond instead of react. So part of that is watching our temper, our tongue, and our tone. I've talked about those three: temper, tongue, and tone and being able to feel those feelings but not follow those feelings as far as reacting to them. So here's the tip, the Gottman's have talked about this one as well, and that's a soft startup. When we can bring these up gently, instead of like, "Honey, what were you doing?" Or "It's about time you're home." Or "What were you thinking?". When our tone goes up, the other person is going to get defensive? I think that not parenting our partner is another one that I often see Liz, and this nagging and do this and this and this. I actually just saw this in a parking lot. So my wife and I are at the grocery store a couple weeks ago and there's a couple interaction. Of course, me Dr. David, just kind of listened as I was walking to my car, and he said, "Hey, I can do this myself. You're not my mom." I actually heard him say that. I like what Steve says, and if you haven't listened to Episode Five listeners, you gotta go back and listen to that. He talked about acting on our values, not on our feelings. Your values, whether it's kindness, compassion, humility, appreciation, or positivity, act on your values not on your feelings. So one last thing I'll throw in here for when it comes to conflict is aiming for understanding. Even if you don't agree, even if it's political difference, or if it's just some kind of silly little thing. Just aim to understand. I can see this from my partner's perspective, it can create more compassion, and even come up with, in your mind, three reasons why they might be right. Just so we can see it from their perspective. And so maybe more understanding in 2023.
Liz Hale 27:34
Beautiful. I love those things. We sweat the small stuff so often, right? We talk about stress a bit here on stronger marriage connection and it really does hurt us. Stress just kills. We have to find some way of managing that outside stress or it will come right in and come between us and create a wedge. So letting go of the small stuff, letting go of the grudges, being quick to forgive. I really encourage my couples to try to put things to rest, to try to come to a truce, within an hour. Certainly within the day. Do not let things go on past the day - the faster the better. It's like stretching any muscle, right? We just get good at it. Just remember, "I love this person." Even once my husband said to me, "Wait a minute Liz, I'm on your side, I'm on your side, you're kind of forgetting who I am." It's like, oh my gosh, you're right. Where was that going? I can easily kind of lose my mind unless I'm really focused on lightening up, using more humor, and not taking things as seriously as possible. I have this bit of a mantra when I'm in the car with my husband lately because the car used to be a really big sticking point for us. He is a lot more assertive in his driving than I am. I'm really the far more superior driver Dave, I just want you know that. In my mind, I am right? But then again, my husband is a professional driver. He has a commercial driver's license and he just does things that I wouldn't do. Let's just say it that way. So my new mantra is, "honey, you are my safe and secure chauffeur." Because whatever you focus on grows so that mantra really helps me start to feel a little bit more peaceful in the car. We've never gotten in an accident, knock on wood right? Gratefully. He is my safe and secure chauffeur. So sometimes having mantras can really help change the situation. It can flip something from negative to positive, like wait a minute, is that really true? It's not true. He's not always aggressive. My life is not threatened. I always get there safely and securely.
Dave Schramm 29:47
Yeah that's a great perspective. Something you mentioned made me remember something I saw on social media and it was someone's posts and it's simply, and I'll probably butcher it a little bit, but it is essentially: even if you disagree with someone, you don't have to confront them. You don't have to bring it up, even if you do disagree. And I think sometimes relationships can improve if one or both of us would just leave one or two things left unsaid. We don't have to put in that last little remark, that last little snarky or sarcastic thing, or the roll of the eyes, right? If we can just pause and not react to their reactions. I think it's easy to be a jerk to a jerk. Honestly, we can react to a jerk by being being a jerk. Now I say those names but you get the point, the principle is to pause. We don't have to launch back. And ultimately, the big picture for me is people are more important than problems.
Liz Hale 30:47
Yeah, it's not worth the price of the intimacy to have the last word. It really is okay just to be like, I'm going to zip my lips right there. It's not necessary. I have nothing to add that's positive in this conversation. I gotta give him the benefit of the doubt and just say I hear you, I get it. I hear you.
Dave Schramm 31:08
Yeah, I love it. Not who's right, but what is right.
Liz Hale 31:11
I hear you.
Dave Schramm 31:13
Yeah, that's all you have to say. Alright, let's go to another one. I think this is an important one, at least the research shows, that many couples have disagreements when it comes to financial fidelity with careers, spending, spending habits, secret accounts, and all that kind of stuff. What do you think?
Liz Hale 31:31
Oh, yeah. It's a big one, isn't it? I think every marriage faces it. Just a couple last night in my session, everything was going great. In other words, they were having a nice day really trying to have some understanding about each other and making apologies. And everything went fairly well in their discussion and dialogue. And she's leaning more and more in actually, which is just so lovely to see. Until we started talking about money.
Dave Schramm 31:59
Yeah, I think being able to come up with a system that works for each couple. Having a system for some couples that might be quick, and we use quick and Eric couples. Dave Ramsey, I call it Dave Schramsey. Just being able to have some type of a plan at the beginning of our relationship. And when we first got married we had an envelope system, we would just put cash and then when it's gone, it's gone. So having no secrets when it comes to finances.
Liz Hale 32:24
I love the Dave Ramsey system. Why do you call it Dave Schramsey?
Dave Schramm 32:27
Oh, I call Dave Schramsey with my last name.
Liz Hale 32:30
Oh I'm sorry. I missed that whole thing. But I really think he's brilliant. Yeah, he talked about how paying off the whole mortgage is a new BMW. Right? Yeah I like Dave Ramsey a lot. The envelope system, I have many couples that are doing that. I just think he's really brilliant. There's something so satisfying about making a plan together of a budget and really being able to have each other's backs and to be able to keep your commitment. It just feels good, it feels good to stick to that budget we've agreed on.
Dave Schramm 33:01
Yep, knowing where your money goes. That's important.
Liz Hale 33:04
A final area that our listeners, and you and I, might consider improving is trust and commitment. And I think sometimes we think oh you know, as long as we're keeping our vows, we're not having an affair. But I think there's other areas of trust and commitment as well. Recently, a CEO of a large company announced in a surprising big TED Talk that he had this life goal, and I was just really surprised by it. Dave, his life goal was to never look at pornography again. He actually said it just out there. How is he going to be successful by speaking out? Open, often, and publicly? His vulnerability and candor has made him successfully accountable. Isn't that something? Just saying, "look, this is this is my issue. I've struggled with it and that is why I'm bringing it to you, because I want to stop struggling with it. So when I'm open with you it helps me stick to my determination and reach my goal." I just thought that was brilliant. Sometimes when we keep things hidden in the dark and secret - like me not wanting to use that card that's gonna ding on my husband's phone. It can't help but elicit some shame and more cover up. But to be open to shine the light on those dark corners. That really is the key to being a successful human being and strengthening some of our weaknesses.
Dave Schramm 34:32
Yeah, I think so. Liz, I love what you're saying because that that will eventually eat us away. And if it doesn't, what we'll try to do is rationalize it away. We'll use our brain to rationalize because our brain doesn't like to feel that guilt. So I'm a big fan of no secrets, whether it's finances or social media or there's just a little flirting or this and that. Stay away from it, it's just such a such a struggle.
Liz Hale 34:58
A slippery slope, isn't it?
Dave Schramm 35:01
Yeah that's what I'm looking for. It is, once you kind of go into this, then we start justifying and before you know it, things are happening in your relationship that you never intended.
Liz Hale 35:10
It happens to good people, right? Good people make mistakes and it happens one slippery slope step at a time, not just one day we wake up saying, "today I think I'm going to start that affair." But it does happen. Good people have affairs and couples can recover. But it is much easier to avoid it in the first place, like you're saying,
Dave Schramm 35:32
Yeah, that's right. When we make better choices, we have better chances, is what I like to say. Overall, I love some of the things that we've talked about and I hope that they're helpful for our listeners, these little things that we can do to strengthen our relationship connection. Liz, we end our episode every time by talking about a takeaway of the day or any other little nugget that you have here to close with from our discussion. What do you want our listeners take away?
Liz Hale 36:04
Every day, every moment is an opportunity for a new start. You can begin right now, it's a new moment. Make the apology, do the right thing, let go of the grudge. Every every day, every moment is a chance to have a do over.
Dave Schramm 36:20
I love that. And Liz, you're such a an example of that. I appreciate that. I think my takeaway of the day is this idea of intentionality, of doing things purposefully. Maybe adding a few phrases in your relationship in 2023 such as, I noticed or I appreciate and then fill in the blank. Or I absolutely love it when you and then you fill in the blank. Just letting our spouse/partners know what we love, what we appreciate about them. Expressions of gratitude, compassion and kindness are truly the lifeblood of relationships. So as we wrap up this episode, and kick off this new year, we're excited about this new year. We have a lot of great guests, more episodes that we're going to be launching here. So stay with us here at the stronger marriage connection. Thanks for joining us on another episode and have a happy 2023.
Liz Hale 37:17
And remember, it's a small things that create a stronger marriage connection. See you soon.
Dave Schramm 37:25
Thanks for joining us today. Hey, do us a favor and take a few minutes to subscribe to our podcasts and the Utah marriage commission YouTube channel where you can watch this and every episode of the show. When you hit the like button and leave a comment. Your feedback helps us improve the show. And don't forget to share this episode with a friend. You can also follow connect with us on Instagram, at stronger marriage life and on Facebook at stronger marriage. Be sure to share with us what topics you want us to explore or what you loved about today's episode. If you want even more resources to improve your relationship connection, visit our website at stronger marriage.org where you'll find free workshops, webinars, relationships, surveys and more. Each episode of stronger marriage connection is hosted and sponsored by the Utah marriage commission at Utah State University. Finally, a big thanks to our producers Rex Polanis, Kiersten Wilson and the team at Utah State University and you our audience, you make this show possible