With Kids in the Mix: Prioritizing your Marriage
If you have ever found yourself missing the way your marriage was when it was just you and your spouse, you are not alone. It isn’t uncommon for there to be a shift with the birth of your first child. Even if you wouldn’t trade your kids for the world, you likely can’t deny that things are different now!
In all honesty, your marriage can take a hit with the introduction of a new member. It can be a challenging act to balance. You may go from giving all your attention and affection to your spouse, to now giving a large portion of that attention and affection to your child. This is natural and normal, especially as you navigate the excitement that comes along with the transition to parenthood. Not to mention the fact that adjusting to caring for a newborn requires a lot of energy and focus! But if the dynamic remains such that your children are always the ones receiving the majority of your time and attention, it will likely cause problems in the long run.
This type of imbalance where the parent-child relationship always comes first creates an unhealthy family dynamic and hurts all family members. On the other hand, research shows that when spouses put each other first, everyone’s relationship needs are a lot more likely to be fulfilled. Let’s take a closer look at why this is the case, and discuss how you can more intentionally make your relationship with your partner your first priority.
How Putting your Spouse First Helps your Kids
The couple relationship acts as the foundation of the family, which means that having a strong marriage makes your family stronger. Prioritizing your spouse does not mean neglecting your kids. It’s actually nurturing the whole family unit and creating a safe and secure space where every person can thrive. Studies have shown that, for children, family security can help them boost their academic performance, better manage their emotions, and build higher self-esteem—all thanks to experiencing less stress at home. When children feel safe and secure, their minds and bodies naturally release tension, which improves their physical and mental well-being.
Research indicates that marital quality is also important to children because it influences how couples parent their kids. Happy couples are more patient and consistent in their parenting, which increases a child’s sense of safety, and helps strengthen the parent-child relationship.
Having a stronger relationship also allows couples to more effectively work together as a co-parenting team, which in turn creates a positive cycle that impacts the whole family. Successfully working together helps couples appreciate each other more and develop a greater desire to care for one another. This further increases security and reduces stress at home. Children can pick up on conflict between their parents and are affected by that stress, so when conflict is buffered by a healthy couple relationship, everyone benefits.
Finally, kids also imitate what they see. The example you set in how you treat your spouse will likely go on to affect their future relationships. Children benefit greatly from seeing their parents express love and prioritize each other. And as you and your spouse work to consistently show love and appreciation for one another, your level of closeness and satisfaction with your relationship will increase. Everyone wins when parents put each other first.
Now you might be thinking, “Okay that’s great, I understand that prioritizing my spouse is important, but how do I do it?” Let me suggest three steps to get you moving in the right direction.
How to Prioritize Your Spouse & Marriage:
Be Intentional
Ask yourself: Does my spouse know that they are my number one? Do they know that I will choose them when complications arise? It’s no secret that life is complicated—situations change, people change, and you change. It can be even harder when you feel like your relationship with your spouse has changed (which can be partly due to adding kids to the mix). But you have the power to make the relationship between you and your spouse special again!
Children within the home will come and go, conflict will rise and fall, but your spouse is with you through it all. So, intentionally make them your number one. How might you do this? Make time for them, keep your relationship in the forefront of your mind, spend quality time together and actively find ways to include each other. Remember: quality has a greater impact than quantity, especially with kids in the mix. You may not have hours every day to do things together, but you can do a lot with the time you do have. And sometimes you may need to sacrifice to show your partner that they are your number one.
Nurture Intimacy
Intimacy is a deep bond between partners. It comes from fostering a sense of closeness through love and support. Think of intimacy as the emotional security of a relationship. This bond develops in dating and needs to be nurtured in marriage by making daily gestures of love and appreciation to your spouse. These can be things like compliments, acts of kindness, sending sweet texts, flirting, holding hands, kissing hello and goodbye, doing small acts of service or spending quality time together. A little goes a long way throughout a busy day. It’s about showing you love them, not just saying you love them.
Plan and go on frequent dates
Dating should never end. Research shows us that whether you are newlyweds, have kids, or are retired, frequent dates together can make a big difference for the health of your relationship. Dates give you guaranteed time alone with your spouse. They also give you something to look forward to amidst the hustle and bustle of life. Couples that go on frequent dates have happier marriages. This is because when you plan and follow through with a date you are showing your spouse that they are your top priority.
Now, we all know finding time in your schedule and babysitters for a date night is not easy. But that's what makes dates so powerful. When you make time for frequent dates, it’s like you’re saying to your spouse, “Despite the chaos I will always make time for you—You're my number one.”
Do you want to send them that message? Then start right now! Make a plan today to intentionally carve out time for a date night with your spouse. Every couple’s timeline is different—some may be able to go on dates every week and others only once a month. That’s okay. Some dates may be a whole evening and others an hour. That’s also okay! The important thing is that you send the message to your spouse that they are your priority by setting aside time for them again and again.
Remember that prioritizing your marriage doesn’t just help you—it helps your family. It’s an investment in everyone’s happiness and well-being. So, what are you waiting for? Show your spouse that they are your number one, and start today.
Tiffany Duncan was the primary author of this blog