What You Water Grows

I have a dream of having an immaculate garden.

Someday.

Mine does not look much like the one in this photo, but it’s not a pile of rocks, either. I work on it, doing the little things to keep it looking beautiful. With the COVID-19 shutdown, many people have been home 24/7. They’re realizing that gardening and DIY home improvement projects are very cool and deeply satisfying.

Now that it’s officially the growing season, I’m out every day watering, weeding, fertilizing, and pruning. It just takes a little bit of time to keep it growing healthy.

It’s also the little things that can slowly erode, overtake, or decay green matter. Pests. Weeds. Lack of water or sun. If I neglect to watch for these things and don’t act quickly, they can undo all my hard work.

This poor woman neglected her garden and is clearly overwhelmed and discouraged. If gardens are left alone, they can quickly become untamed. Have you ever felt like this?

Relationships are “do-it-yourself” projects and the most satisfying when both partners work on it together. Marriages are like gardens. The little things of daily tending or neglecting can create either robust, beautiful marriages or a barren wasteland overgrown with weeds.

I also believe in the power of “what you water grows.” This principle is foundational in positive psychology, and as a lover of gardening, it’s a law of nature I can count on as well. 

What this means is:

• Every interaction or relationship has an 80/20 ratio.
• About 80% of that person is what you love and, in the case of your spouse, the reason why you married them. Then there’s the 20% of what you don’t love so much, perhaps is even a bit annoying, and is a reminder that no none’s perfect (including the 20% within us, mind you!).
• What you focus on gets more of your attention. I can see the roses or the thorns…it’s my choice.
• What gets more of your attention is reinforced in your mind, as well as in the other person or thing.
• If I see the rose, I find beauty and am filled with gratitude, love, and appreciation.
• If I look for and find the best in the other person, I will find it. If I look for and find the weaker parts, or thorns, in the other person, I will find that too.
• If I continue to look for and reinforce the weaknesses in another person, the 20% in them inflates to eventually becoming the 80% and I feel completely justified in hating them, being dissatisfied, disgusted, or feeling justified in my removal of love (water) and acceptance of them.

Click on this image and say aloud what is the first thing you see.

Because of the darker images, usually our eyes are drawn to the bats or demons, as the artist Escher wanted. But look at it again, and stare for a while at the white spaces. Coming into focus, when we really concentrate, are angels.

It’s been harder with the “shelter in place” to see the good when we’ve been around our loved ones day and night. For some couples, marriage satisfaction has suffered, and they are less patient and kind with each other. It’s okay to take a break once in a while to remind ourselves why we fell in love and chose to marry. Refocus on the big picture we are trying to create together. What is the 80% that is beautiful in your life? What small acts can you tend to each day as weed prevention? Daily hugs, laughter, smiles, service, words of affirmation, and spending time together are the life-giving force in any relationship. 

In every person, there is both, good and bad, light and dark. It’s our choice to look past the things that are of no lasting consequence in our spouses and quiet that voice that wants to criticize.

Instead, sit still. Be calm. Focus on the light and the white spaces between. See what angels are brilliantly waiting to emerge and for us to embrace them.

And then water, water, water.

Challenge:

For the next day, choose to focus only on the positive traits and actions of your partner. Write him or her a thank you note and be liberal with praise and gratitude for even the small acts they do. Assess how you feel at the end of the day. Chances are you will feel lighter and more hopeful. Try it for another day, and then for a week. If this exercise has been helpful, read this article and discuss it with your partner. I will wager that she or he will be curious about the positive changes they have noticed in you. Try this challenge together for 30 days and assess your relationship and feelings toward each other at the end. Make longer-terms goals to water, weed, and tend to what matters most in your marriage.