The Relationship Attachment Behaviors of Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement: 
A New Way to Look at Your Connection with Your Partner  

Let’s imagine this scenario: A romantic couple is sitting together talking. He gets a notification on his phone, pulls it out while she is in mid-sentence, and is absorbed in the glare of his screen. He loses track of the conversation, fails to hear what she is saying, and essentially tells her, this football game score update is more important to me than you are right now. She gives an exasperated sigh, rolls her eyes, and sits back to wait for him to return to the conversation.   

While this scene is fictitious, it is also something that you have often seen in real life – and probably have even participated in yourself. So, it’s important to ask: How does this situation affect the relationship? If it’s a frequent occurrence, it could indicate a general lack of accessibility, engagement, or responsiveness. These are three attachment behaviors that predict relationship satisfaction.  

In a recent blog, we talked about the different relationship attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant) and how gratitude and time are important tools to overcome the negative effects of an insecure attachment. It’s important to know about attachment styles and the way they can affect your relationship.  That’s the focus of this blog.  

Attachment styles are not the only way to understand your connection with your partner. More recently, researchers have identified attachment behaviors that are related to attachment styles. These attachment behaviors, which fall under three general labels – accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement – are strongly connected to relationship satisfaction. The more positive attachment behaviors that someone engages in, the better their relationship will be. Other studies found that better attachment behaviors are related to lower levels of depression, as well.   

More relationship satisfaction and less depression are things we all want, right? So, what does it mean to be accessible, responsive, and engaged in a relationship? Let’s explore that.   

Accessibility. Being accessible to your partner means you are available to them when they need you. If they’re trying to get your attention, you’re there. If you’re not there, how can you foster intimacy? Your partner needs to know they can connect with you when they need to. They need to know that they are a priority for you.  

Responsiveness. We’ve all been in a situation where the person talking to us was rambling, our mind was somewhere closer to Jupiter than Earth, and our bobble-head nodding was just programmed. This is NOT responsiveness, obviously. To be responsive, you need to listen carefully to your partner. Hear them out. Ask them to say more, clarify this or that. Make sure they feel comfortable coming to you with their feelings. (And be willing to share your own – see next point).   

Engagement. This one may be more difficult because it requires intimacy and self-disclosure. To engage with your partner, you need to confide in them. Do what you can to foster closeness and love in your relationship. Be present. Be confident. Be your true self with your partner.   

Of course, it’s a little more complicated than that. It’s about two people, not just one. And the way you perceive your partner’s behaviors – and they perceive yours – also has a big impact on relationship satisfaction.   

If you would like to assess your own attachment behaviors, you can do so by clicking here. Taking and reviewing this questionnaire with your partner can help you identify ways you can both improve your attachment behaviors and strengthen your relationship. Be open and honest with your partner. Listen to what they have to say. These conversations can be difficult, but they are worth the effort.   

So, turn on the “Do Not Disturb” function, put down your phones, and be accessible, responsive, and engaged with your partner.   

Lester Clay is the primary author of this blog.